Russian History 101
by Niki-the-awesome
Summary: A play based off of the concept of Hetalia. America and Canada take Russia out drinking to celebrate his 'birthday'  i.e. fall of the soviet union . From there they get drunk and perform a history of Russia.
1. Introduction

**ALERT!** **This is BASED off of the CONCEPT of Hetalia,** **it is not, in fact, Hetalia itself**. This meaning that I have created my own characters, and am not using the characters from the tv show of axis powers Hetalia, or world series Hetalia. Any familiarities between two characters is coincidence, and because I will also be playing a bit with countries and stereotypes (The biggest character for this is America...who still acts like...well America, though he is a different man in this universe). Ok, now that that's out of the way, I am writing this play for my university course, and I wanted to post it here to get some feedback. So please, if your able to review with some constructive criticism I would really appreciate it! This is a really rough copy and I am still smoothing out the edges, so if there is something off about it please tell me so I can make it better, thanks!

**Concept**: America and Canada take Russia out drinking for his 'birthday' (i.e. the anniversary of the fall of the Soviet Union). From there, he begins to tell them about his history which turns into a play.

**Genre: **Comedy (with tragic moments)

(**Side notes**- when you see a / in the middle of someone's sentence, this means that the proceeding character interrupts the speaking character at this time. Also, a 'beat' is when there is a pause. I switch between using 'beat' and 'pause' because this is a rough copy)

**Stage:**

The stage is set up with three levels. The top level is simple and high above the other two levels, having two staircases leading to the middle level. The middle level has a desk, chair, and bookshelf set up to the left side, while the right side is bare. Two small steps lead to the lower level, which reaches out to the crowd (so the actor can tower over the audience who is sitting in front row). This play is best performed in a proscenium arch.

**Major character changes-**

Russia is not crazy and does not smile all that often, or have a younger voice. He is very kind in the beginning of the play, but he gets colder throughout (especially after France's betrayal).

Canada is still not as loud as America, but he is noticed by the others and is especially recognized by England as 'the good child'.

China is a very mature woman (who slaps a lot). France is also a woman, though still very sexual. She is also incredibly intelligent, and swears in French.

East Germany is not Prussia, but is literally the second half of Germany (one personality split in two. So we see polar opposites in East and West. Obviously, East does not show up until the end of WW2, when Russia and the Allies cut Germany in two)

Lithuania is not a push over, but actually bullies Russia a lot (even disagreeing with Russia openly in the USSR). Latvia is now a girl, and Belarus is now a boy (who is still obsessed with his brother…but now it's more healthy. Annoying, but not really surprising…and kind of adorable). Poland is also incredibly badass in this play (though he doesn't come out that often).


	2. Act 1: Scene 1, 2

**Scene 1 **

_Door is heard shutting, RUSSIA walks on left, middle stage. He is holding a bag over his right shoulder and throws it onto the floor next to his desk. He falls into his chair, slumping into it and sighing loudly, leaning back. The stage is silent before AMERICA slowly leans out from behind a bookcase. He sneaks up behind RUSSIA and grabs his shoulders._

AMERICA: SURPRISE! (_RUSSIA screams and falls back in his chair. He gets up and glares at the other man)_

RUSSIA: What are you doing here? And how did you get into my house?

AMERICA: Oh, come off it dude. I'm the friggin CIA_(he waves it off_). Anyway, happy birthday! Ya ya! I totally organized this awesome super party for you/ so you can just shower me with thanks now. See? And people say we're on bad terms? Pffft whatever!

RUSSIA: How did you know I would be home? No, stop talking. It's not my birthday. What is wrong with you? You can't just break into people's houses!

AMERICA: What? Dude it's totally your birthday! I looked it up on Wikipedia and everything!

RUSSIA: _(glares for a second)_ This is the day my family fell apa-

AMERICA: EXACLY! The day YOU became YOU man! See? See?

RUSSIA:….You are the only man I know who would celebrate another's misery.

AMERICA: Oh complain complain. What? Compared to you? The last time you punched me in the face you were laughing!

RUSSIA: _(now smiles)_ as you would say, 'good times'.

AMERICA: And so is THIS! See the reasoning?

RUSSIA:….no….it kind of makes you a 'dick', to be honest _(beat)_ no offense.

AMERICA: None taken. So anyway-

RUSSIA: No, shut up. Please leave. My boss just gave me hell and I have a horrible fever. Not to mention that, again, today isn't the best day to-

AMERICA: Sounds like someone needs a huuug-

RUSSIA: _(suddenly distraught)_ No! No that is the LAST thing I need! From you of all people!

AMERICA: Awww, come here! _(AMERICA walks towards RUSSIA)_

RUSSIA: No! Get away! Don't touch me!

AMERICA: yyyaaayyyy _(He grabs a hold of RUSSIA and wraps his arms around him. RUSSIA stands there, looking incredibly uncomfortable)_ Hey…guess what I got you for a birthday present?

RUSSIA: A gun?

AMERICA: no, even BETTER then guns! It's/ going to be….man you don't even know! And they say we have bad relations.

RUSSIA: Seriously, how could no one have told me you were coming?

AMERICA: Ok, ready? _(he looks at RUSSIA)_ ya lyuulyu tvoui.

RUSSIA: _(His face suddenly becomes incredibly concerned and awkward) _Um…..oh….ok….that's….that's good….that's good….

AMERICA: and ya lyuulyu ice cream! _(pulls it out from behind his back) _Where did THAT come from? I don't even KNOW! Didn't think I could do THAT did you? See? I can learn Russian just about as good as you can learn English commie. Because-

RUSSIA: Did you use a dictionary to get that word?

AMERICA: _(stunned for a second. He takes a step back from RUSSIA)_What?…no….books are lame. Everyone uses the internets now dude. Seriously, behind the times much-

RUSSIA: That's not what I meant! Who told you-

AMERICA: I translated it on babblefish man, no big. Don't worry about it. _(he sways the ice cream container back and forth now. RUSSIA sighs and his shoulders come up uncomfortably)_

RUSSIA: You see…in English when you say you 'love' something…it is only one word, da?

AMERICA: da dude.

RUSSIA: Da. And so, you can say you love ice cream. But do you?

AMERICA: Well I wouldn't EAT it if I DIDN'T-

RUSSIA: No, but you can't possibly LOVE ice cream-

AMERICA: yes you can! I just said I did!

RUSSIA: Well in Russian you can not love ice cream. You can like it, but not love it.

AMERICA: _(stares at him shocked)_ dude….your language is….cold-

RUSSIA: And, there are different words for the different forms of love one shows-

AMERICA: Yah, thanks for the whole 'Russian 101' man, but I don't really care-

RUSSIA: Translated, you said you are sexually attracted to your ice cream.

AMERICA: _(looks directly into RUSSIA's eyes)_ maybe I am.

RUSSIA: And you used that same word for myself.

AMERICA: oh….Ooooohhh….

_(both stand there awkwardly. RUSSIA looks the other way uncomfortable. AMERICA wraps his arms back around RUSSIA, tightens his grip) _

_(quietly)_ I'm going to hug you till it's not awkward anymore-

RUSSIA: Please don't.

_(CANADA enters where AMERICA did)_

CANADA: Oh hey….uh…..hey guys… _(They stare at each other for a moment)_ Um…should…should I leave-

AMERICA: We're KINDA having a MOMENT here!

RUSSIA: WE ARE NOT!

AMERICA: Someone was feeling a little blue over the whole 'fall of soviet Russia' thing, so I thought some ice cream and hugs would make him feel better. _(CANADA smiles)_

CANADA: AWWW, dude! _(Runs over to RUSSIA)_

RUSSIA: Nyet! Don't! _(He hugs RUSSIA from the other side)_

AMERICA: haha, yaaay-

RUSSIA: I hate you. Both of you. I don't think I've ever hated so much in my entire life. If you were a baby seal, I would club the living hell out of you-

AMERICA: feel the lyuuvov Russia-

RUSSIA: I TOLD YOU THAT'S THE WRONG WORD TO USE!

_(SERBIA enters)_

SERBIA: Hey! So I was….oh….um…_(stares at the three of them awkwardly)_ You know what? I'll just…I'll just come back later-

RUSSIA: Wait! Save me- _(SERBIA runs away)_ no! Damn it! You two! _(he shakes them off)_ Look what you've done! Just leave already!

AMERICA: But dude! We're totally here to get you crunked!

RUSSIA: I don't know what that means, and I don't care. Get out.

CANADA: Um…just so you know this wasn't my idea-

AMERICA: Oh WHATEVER! You two are like BEST FRIENDS-

RUSSIA: No we're not. I barley ever see him. Now GET OUT OF MY HOUSE-

CANADA: How so?

AMERICA: Uh, you speak Russian fluently? Free health care? And your flag is red enough to be mistaken for the new gathering of COMMUNISM-

RUSSIA: GET OUT! NOW! _(walks swiftly towards them)_

CANADA: Ah! Wait! _(gets up and runs behind AMERICA, who also gets up)_

RUSSIA: I'm not going to put up with your immature antics today you little-

AMERICA: Dude, chill, we were going to take you out drinking.

RUSSIA: _(Glares at AMERICA)_….this is a trick isn't it?

AMERICA: Oh, don't be such a wuss puss. We're supposed to be friends now, right?

RUSSIA: _(hesitating again) _where?

AMERICA: I don't know. Last time we talked I literally thought you drank blood so you know what, where ever you want.

RUSSIA: Thank you, for once letting me choose something, not for insulting me.

_(He turns to leave. AMERICA and CANADA stare at each other before jumping in the air. They then high five and skip after RUSSIA. The lights fade out)_

**Scene 2:**

_(lights fade in, revealing a table to the upper right. AMERICA, CANADA and RUSSIA sit there, CANADA in between the others. CANADA and AMERICA hold beer bottles in their hands, while RUSSIA has a glass with clear liquid in it. On the table is a bottle of vodka)_

AMERICA: Well I'm glad we finally found you something to drink, but does it REALLY matter what brand it is? It all tastes like gasoline anyway.

RUSSIA: Well I prefer this gasoline to the watered down sewage water you drink.

AMERICA: _(he laughs) _oh Russia, always a ray of sunshine. Sometimes I wonder if you've ever NOT been a miserable bastard, then I think, oh hey! The few times I DID see you smile were the most terrifying moments of my life!

RUSSIA: Do you know what terrifies me America? The fact that you have sent the world into a financial crisis twice, and yet still people listen to whatever garbage spews from your mouth.

CANADA: I love our little get togethers. I really do.

AMERICA: You seem more crude and barbaric then usual dude. Something bugging you? Is it Ukraine? It's Ukraine isn't it?

RUSSIA: Please refer to my beloved little sister as 'miss' Ukraine, if you are going to at all-

AMERICA: AH-HA! So it IS about your sister!

RUSSIA: It has nothing to do with her-

AMERICA: Is it Canada? Are you still paranoid that he totally 'hit that thang'- _(CANADA, who was taking a sip of his beer, spits it out)_

CANADA: I-I never! Don't say things like- _(turns to RUSSIA) _I told you already!

RUSSIA: …yes…yes you did already tell me. _(He takes a sip of his drink)_ But, again, this has nothing to do with my sistra, nor her _(glares at CANADA) _sexual activities.

AMERICA: Because he TOTALLY did-

CANADA: I did NOT! Stop- stop spreading lies! You lying liar-

AMERICA: But you told me she was hot!

RUSSIA: oh? _(Canada turns to RUSSIA, coughs a little)_

CANADA: Um…well you um….your sister is a very attractive woman Russia.

RUSSIA: _(Stares at him coldly for a moment, but then smiles)_ Oh, well that's fine!

CANADA: Oh, really?

RUSSIA: Yes! Of course!

Canada: Aw, thanks! _(RUSSIA suddenly grabs the back of CANADA's head and slams it into the table. CANADA cries out in pain)_

AMERICA: DUDE! Uncool!

RUSSIA: _(innocently)_ what?

AMERICA: I could totally declare war because of that!

RUSSIA: oh, like you would actually declare war on me because I hit Canada.

AMERICA: _(looks at CANADA. Then smiles and laughs.) _yah, you right.

CANADA: You…you are the worst brother ever…

AMERICA: Awww, look how far we've come man! We used to hate each other's guts, and now we're all friendly and stuff.

RUSSIA:…used to?

AMERICA: Yah, good times. Though, you're still pretty backwards…like seriously, what the hell are you wearing? PSHAW! But I can't blame you. After all, growing up communist your whole life would make you kind of bland and….um…communist-

CANADA: That isn't a verb America-

RUSSIA: America, I did not grow up as communist.

AMERICA: _(pauses, then smiles)_ aw, playing more mind games dude? Come off it, I know you-

RUSSIA: America, please do not tell me that you actually think I have been ruled by a communist government my entire life.

AMERICA: …um….

RUSSIA: Especially since that idea of government is, compared to the age of our civilization, an incredibly new idea.

AMERICA: _(laughs nervously)_ no….like….no dude, of uh…of course not. Like…we met when I was fighting with myself in the civil war so….so no…

RUSSIA: America, do you know who Peter the Great is?

AMERICA: What is this? History class! I don't have to answer any-

RUSSIA: Canada, do YOU know?

CANADA: some…some guy…a boss of…yours?

RUSSIA: Yes. What did he do that made him great?

AMERICA: uh…he-uh…Napoleon?

RUSSIA: …I'm leaving- _(He stands)_

CANADA: I'm sorry!

AMERICA: Aw come on man! So we don't know! Who cares! Does it matter-

RUSSIA: Yes, yes it does matter! This is what happened to me! You shouldn't be so hard to judge when you don't even know what I've been through to get to this point in my life. How much of an ignorant bastard do you have to be when you don't even know your own enemy's history!

AMERICA: ok fine! Fine I'm sorry! So tell us! Come on, sit down-

RUSSIA: go to hell!

AMERICA: You can insult better than that, sit down! Come on! _(RUSSIA hesitates, then sits)_ Ok…so…I don't know, just tell us.

RUSSIA: Tell you what? It's not like you care-

AMERICA: oh come on man! Don't be such a girl! Just…I don't know…begin with your mom. What was your mom like-

RUSSIA: I didn't have mother.

_(CANADA and AMERICA gawk at him)_

CANADA: but…everyone has a mother-

RUSSIA: _(he says coldly) _I didn't. My home was so big, and there were so many different people popping up that it was hard to keep track of thoughts and trends. Sometimes I could see people in the distance, probably Rome or Germania…sometimes Egypt's mother.

AMERICA: ok, so, what, you just daydreamed for like, 100 years?

RUSSIA: No…I….it's rather complicated. I only really started to get my thoughts together when Moscow was built, and even then I didn't have a definite ruler. And by that time, there were two others living in my house-

CANADA: What happened to them?

RUSSIA: _(beat)_ I killed them.

CANADA:….oh

AMERICA: well DUH! Ugh, you know what never mind! This is boring! I don't care if you were stoned and unruled as a child-

RUSSIA: I wasn't stoned-

AMERICA: Whatever! If this is just going to be some boring lecture about government then count me out!

CANADA: Weren't you ruled by the Mongolians for a while?

RUSSIA: Yes, actually I think it was when I met the Mongolians that I actually started to really get my thoughts together _(he stands)_

AMERICA: Oh my god! Is this totally gonna be a play? Because that would be super badass!

CANADA: I love musicals-

RUSSIA: This isn't a musical!

AMERICA: Are you going to dance? Dude, that would be so awesome! _(pulls out phone) _I gotta record this!

CANADA: Will there be really cool effects in the background like cats-

RUSSIA: No, it wasn't in our budget. We'll just have to make due with excellent acting, something that that play lacked.

CANADA: Is it like fiddler on a roof-

RUSSIA: It's nothing like that play! And I just told you this wasn't a musical!

AMERICA: _(raises his glass) _Hop to it!

RUSSIA: yes…well…my clearest memory is when I met the Mongolians for the first time.

_(he walks to the lower stage, the lights over CANADA and AMERICA fade)_

_(End of Scene 2)_

_I hope that was ok! I used 'lyuvet' because my friend said that before they didn't really use that word for objects, but I need to talk with her more about it so please excuse my word choice. Again, if you think I need to make some changes please feel free to tell me (but please be polite...and no hate mail please). Thanks!_

_~Niki_


	3. Act 1: Scene 3, 4

**Scene 3**

_RUSSIA stands facing the left stage, holding something in his hands. His shoulders are pushed forward, and he appears smaller and less confident than usual. He takes on the impression of a young boy. He eats the object in his hands slowly, seeming to be lost in thought. From the opposite end of the stage, a tall, confident looking man covered in furs comes on stage, with a similar man behind him. The leading one is smiling, the other holds virtually no expression. The leading man is KANGUS KONG. The other is MONGOLIA._

_KANGUS KONG walks up to RUSSIA, reaches around him and steals whatever is in RUSSIA'S hand. He quickly shoves it into his mouth._

RUSSIA: Hey! I was eating that! _(he whines)_

KANGUS KONG: _(beat) _Who are you?

RUSSIA: What? Who are you?

_(MONGOLIA walks up to RUSSIA and, without warning, kicks RUSSIA in the stomach, causing him to fall to the floor)_

MONGOLIA: _(Turning to KANGUS KONG) _What are you eating?

KANGUS: I don't even know _(beat)_ Tastes horrible. _(MONGOLIA nods)_

RUSSIA: _(struggling to get up) _Why did you hit me?

KANGUS: You didn't answer my question.

RUSSIA: _(He looks away, embarrassed) _Kieve Russ.

KANGUS: _(smiling suddenly) _Awww, that's adorable! Did you hear that? _(MONGOLIA nods) _Russ! Well isn't that just the damndest thing…

RUSSIA: What is?

KANGUS: I was just about to go and conquer the house of Kieve Russ!

RUSSIA: Oh…I don't know anyone else by that name-

KANGUS: _(grabbing RUSSIA by the shoulder) _Are you sure? _(looks off, as if in thought) _Well…if there's no one else…I guess…why YOU must be the Kieve Russ!

RUSSIA: _(taken aback, not in a negative sense, more childishly surprised) _Who? Me? Really? Are you sure?

KANGUS: Well, if there's no one else by that name…

RUSSIA: Oh…well that's true. I guess it can't be helped. _(They stare at each other for a moment) _Um…so…do you need anything else?

KANGUS: Well, I did just say I was going to conquer you…so…_(He motions to RUSSIA. RUSSIA doesn't move, but looks confused)_

RUSSIA: I'm afraid I don't know what conquer means.

KANGUS: _(his face lights up with joy) _You mean you've never been conquered? _(Turns to MONGOLIA, who is still expressionless, making KANGUS look annoyingly happy) _

RUSSIA: Um…no I haven't. Is that a bad thing?

KANGUS: No no! It's just…well I guess I'll have to tell you how this works then.

RUSSIA: _(He nods, excited) _Oh, please do. Is there going to be a party?

KANGUS: _(He laughs) _Of course, for me, not for you. _(Grabs RUSSIA by the shoulder and brings him to eye level) _Ok, so here's how it works-

RUSSIA: Alright-

KANGUS: You give me all your land-

RUSSIA: Ok-

KANGUS: And in return-

RUSSIA: Yes?

KANGUS: I take your money, make the political decisions for you, and I steal your food. And your children will now fight for me, since they are now my property. Oh! And I might rape your citizens now and again, that's kind of a given.

RUSSIA: _(Thinks about it for a second._) Why, that doesn't sound good at all!

KANGUS: For you, for me it's wonderful, isn't it Mongolia! _(The other man nods)_

RUSSIA: _(Taking a step back)_ And what if I don't want to be conquered?

KANGUS: Then I'm going to have to invade you, in every possible sense that that words means.

RUSSIA: _(A growing look of concern) _I need an adult.

KANGUS: _(Patting Russia's head) _I am an adult. _(Russia begins to let out a noise that is a mix between a cry and a whine)_ Oh come now, don't be like that. Here, how's this. First I'll take the southern areas, then I'll take the N- _(RUSSIA runs off stage screaming. KANGUS sighs) _

MONGOLIA: Should we go after him?

KANGUS: No, let's have dinner first. We'll invade Russia tomorrow. Besides _(He laughs) _It's not like he's going anywhere!

_(They laugh as the exit the way they came. As soon as they leave the stage, four men dressed in fur, but with tacky crowns enter the stage)_

PRINCE 1: Well I think there's already too many of us! So many people popping up and declaring themselves princes of this place and that! It's making the rest of us look bad!

_(RUSSIA runs on stage and trips in front of the four men. They laugh)_

PRINCE 3: Oh Russia you're adorable-

RUSSIA: A man just said he was going to touch my bad areas!

_(They rush over too him)_

PRINCE 4: It's ok Russia, no one's going to hurt you. Not while we're around-

PRINCE 2: Was it Lithuania? It was him wasn't it! I'll kill that man I swear to god-

RUSSIA: _(He begins to cry) _No! It was some scary man covered in furs!

_(They look at each other)_

PRINCE 1: We'll…that's not very helpful…

PRINCE 3: What should we do? Normally Russ can hold his own in these situation-

PRINCE 2: Isn't it obvious! We fight back! _(grabbing RUSSIA and pulling him to his feet)_ You're a man aren't you?

PRINCE 4: But he's just peasants! What if it's a whole army-

PRINCE 1: Army of peasants? Well that's not to hard to beat Russ-

RUSSIA: He wasn't a peasant! And I'm not fighting him! _(He shoves PRINCE 2 away)_ I saw him drink horse blood…horse blood!

PRINCE 3:…How did you know it was ho-

RUSSIA: Because he just stabbed the thing and started drinking from the wound!

_(They all jump back at the words) _

PRINCE 1:…Well that doesn't sound very nice-

RUSSIA: It wasn't! And I don't even want to think about what he's going to me when he gets here!

PRINCE 4: It's ok Russia. _(He places his hands on the boys shoulders) _It's the middle of winter! He wouldn't invade you in the winter…especially as up north as we are!

_(Off stage, a door is heard being kicked open. KANGUS KONG and MONGOLIA enter from where RUSSIA did. KANGUS waves at RUSSIA)_

KANGUS: Hello again Kieve Russ! Did you miss me-

PRINCE 4: Well I'll be damned-

PRINCE 2: But….WE don't even go outside in this cold! How could you possibly have walked so far to get here?

KANGUS: Please, we were born in the cold, and true warriors aren't affected by the elements. Now, Russ, come here _(He outstretches his hand. RUSSIA shakes his head)_

PRINCE 3: Well don't just stand there! Show him who we are Russ!

PRINCE 1: Fighting is in our heritage! Show him what we can do!

KANGUS: Fine, if this is how you want it to be…_(He turns to MONGOLIA) _Just hit him on the head a couple of times. That ought to subdue him over.

MONGOLIA: Right. _(He takes a step towards RUSSIA. RUSSIA steps forwards, looking unsure, then turns back to the PRINCES) _

RUSSIA: What should I do?

PRINCE 3: Just punch him in the face-

PRINCE 1: No! That will never work/ just kick him or something.

PRINCE 2: You all/ have it all wrong! Find a rock and bludgeon him to death.

PRINCE 4: I vote we use thunderbolt.

_(The four begin to argue amongst themselves. RUSSIA takes a step back from MONGOLIA, who is advancing)_

RUSSIA: Um…anyone?

MONGOLIA: Prepare yourself little man-

RUSSIA: Will someone PLEASE just tell me what to DO!

PRINCE 1: Ok, we'll take it to a vote, who thinks we should use thu-

_(MONGOLIA, with the butt of his sword, hits RUSSIA on the head. RUSSIA falls to the ground, and then MONGOLIA kicks him several times)_

PRINCE 2: …Oh damn.

PRINCE 3: _(Stepping out before RUSSIA) _Stay away from him you monster! We won't let you take OUR land!

KANGUS: You and what army, _(He points at RUSSIA) _Literally.

PRINCE 2: Well…we can't just let you suddenly-

KANGUS: So, here's how it's going to work. I'm going to tell you men what to do with Russ, and you are going to follow my exact orders. Is that alright?

PRINCE 3: You can't tell us what to do!

PRINCE 4: And if we refuse?

KANGUS: _(Shrugging)_ Then I'll just kill you, and replace you with my own men. _(Beat) _It really is up to you.

_(The four PRINCES look at one another for a long moment, before finally PRINCE 1 extends his hand to MONGOLIA)_

PRINCE 1: A pleasure to meet you-

KANGUS: Kangus Kong. And this is Mongolia. _(MONGOLIA nods)_

RUSSIA: Traitors…

_(The lights fade out)_

**Scene 4**

_(Lights fade in on the table with AMERICA and CANADA)_

AMERICA: Well…that sucks-

RUSSIA: _(Russia walks back to middle stage) _Yes, yes it did. _(Beat) _Well…he wasn't so bad. He did let me keep my faith-

CANADA: You were already Orthodox at that point?

RUSSIA: _(He shrugs) _The prince of Moscow literally said "We need Religion to become a full state. Following Islam is out of the question because it forbids alcohol, and the Jewish people don't have a state, so we'll be Christian" And so I was. Which took adapting too but, in the end it worked out. But Mongolia…it was just...it was just the-

AMERICA: Raping?

RUSSIA: Yah, that wasn't very nice. At all. _(Beat. AMERICA coughs) _

CANADA: Wasn't China ruled by Mongolia for a while?

RUSSIA: Not as long as I was. That was…awkward though.

AMERICA: What?

RUSSIA: Meeting China. _(CHINA walks on stage)_

AMERICA: Why?

RUSSIA: Because I thought she was Mongolia when I saw her _(Looks at CHINA)_

CANADA: Dude! Racist!

RUSSIA: Oh everyone was racist back then! Get over it! Plus she looked EXACLY like the man who humiliated me!

CANADA: Not everyone who looks the same-

RUSSIA: Right, because you look NOTHING like America, OR England for that matter-

CANADA: Th-that's different!

_(CHINA walks up to RUSSIA)_

RUSSIA: What do you want? _(CHINA back hands him. He cries out)_

CHINA: You are standing in gods kingdom. No one is allowed in here but me. Get out.

RUSSIA: What was that for! You- _(Looks at her face) _Oh! I didn't know those filthy bastards came in female too!

CHINA: Stop talking. I can't understand you. Your dialect it causing my ears too bleed, or perhaps you are too stupid to understand the sacred language?

RUSSIA: Or maybe it's my lucky day? This gives me a chance to pay back your brother for the humiliation-_(RUSSIA reaches out to grab CHINA, she slaps his hand away. He motions to grab her again, and when she is about to slap his hand he grabs her hand.)_

CHINA: Let go.

RUSSIA: Come here!

_(CHINA grabs him and flips him over her back, causing him to fall to the floor. She wips her hand on her clothes)_

CHINA: Remember to stay off this land. It is mine. You are not allowed here. _(She leaves)_

_(RUSSIA sighs)_

AMERICA: Dude….way to suck out of control.

RUSSIA: I got her back a few times but….overall…it did not work out for me too well…

CANADA: Well that must have sucked-

RUSSIA: And on TOP of that a certain SOMEONE kept ATTACKING ME ALL THE GOD DAMN TIME! _(RUSSIA yells this off stage)_

LITHUANIA: _(Offstage) _Oh get OVER it Russia! You separated me from my wife so we're EVEN now!

RUSSIA: Oh just you wait…_(Under breath) _Friggin Lithuania….

LITHUANIA: _(Still offstage) _I heard that!

RUSSIA: GOOD!

AMERICA: Wait, where was your hot sister at this point in time?

RUSSIA: Ukraine was still developing-

AMERICA: I'll bet- _(CANADA slaps him upside the head) _OW!

CANADA: Can you stop that for FIVE minutes?

RUSSIA: Yes, well….Ukraine and I actually used to be the same person, but gradually she developed into a different place. And then _(Turning to off stage) _SOMEONE stole my beloved little SISTER AWAY FROM ME-

_(LITHUANIA stomps on stage)_

LITHUANIA: Oh, that is it! Yes! I took over Ukraine along with Poland, but it's not like we did anything BAD to her! And she wasn't even really a COUNTRY at that time! Besides, it wouldn't have been much different from living under your roof-

RUSSIA: You took my sister! And you kept attacking me even when we were both ruled by the Mongolians!

LITHUANIA: Your favorite pastime is invading my wife!

AMERICA: Whow, whow,/ what?

CANADA: I think we're skipping important details-

RUSSIA: All I'm saying is that I'm a little mad that you took my sister. That's all-

LITHUANIA: And you raped my wife-

RUSSIA: You raped me!

CANADA: This is a horrible play!

_(UKRAINE runs on stage. She is wearing a milkmaids hair band) _

UKRAINE: Brat _(Meaning brother in Russian)_ what are you doing! Don't fight with my friends please!

RUSSIA: Sestra? What are you doing here?

UKRAINE: Canada invited me-

AMERICA: He totally has her number on speed dial- _(CANADA hits him again) _

LITHUANIA: It's nothing Ukraine. Just old habits die hard…that's all-

UKRAINE: Oh, please don't fight! You're not bullying my little brother again, are you papa?

LITHUANIA: No…well…he started it-

RUSSIA: Never mind. It doesn't matter anymore. _(Wraps his arm around UKRAINE) _But I do not know if I would be comfortable talking about such violent things in front of my little sister…perhaps you could come back later Kieve-

UKRAINE: Why? Is it because of the oil/ incident? That's over now Russia, it's ok.

RUSSIA: No…no it's not that.

UKRAINE: Are you sure? Because I know you think it's still awkward/ between us because of that. I understand.

RUSSIA: No, No Ukraine it isn't about the oil incident. I wasn't going to/ discuss that.

UKRAINE: Because I understand if you would feel guilty since you were very mean/ to be back then. And my boss told me to ignore you the whole time.

RUSSIA: It has nothing to do with your oil Ukraine PLEASE stop talking!

UKRAINE: Oh…so angry all of a sudden. Are you sleepy? _(She feels his head for a fever)_ Should I take you home (Insert adorable nick name)

RUSSIA: No sestra….No I am fine-

UKRAINE: Oh well just tell me when you would like me to come over, ok? _(Turns to CANADA) _You will call yes?

CANADA: Yes-

RUSSIA: I will be the one to call you-

UKRAINE: Until then! _(She leaves)_

LITHUANIA: Ugh, never mind Russia. Just get on with your story. _(Turns to leave)_

AMERICA: Hey man, want to stay for a drink?

LITHUANIA: No thanks. Besides, I'll be back in a minute no doubt _(Leaves stage)._

_(End of scene 4)_


	4. Act 1: Scene 5, 6

**Scene 5**

RUSSIA: Yes…well anyway…so I was ruled over by Mongolia...that lasted for a very long time. A few times I tried to get away from him, but he had a very strong grip, and would trick me into coming back… _(walks over to desk, sits down) _One prince, Demetri, even convinced me to stop paying the taxes for Moscow. That pissed Mongolia off…he said he wouldn't hurt me if I just paid him double…but then Demteri went and got Lithuania to come over, and we had this big fight with Mongolia. We actually did very well by keeping half of our soldiers out of the battle, that way when the first half tired out, the rest came in.

AMERICA: TAG TEAM!

RUSSIA: Exactly. So we won that battle…but then Mongolia charged Moscow and Demetri ran out before Mongolia actually came in…ugh…I didn't know what to do so I got Lithuania to help me out, and THAT ended horribly because Mongolia stopped kicking at the door and instead asked politely if he could 'please come inside'-

CANADA: You let him in didn't you-

RUSSIA: I was very young at that point!

AMERICA: DUDE! You don't let the guy who violated you into your house!

RUSSIA: It seemed like a good idea at the time! And he sounded very earnest!

CANADA: So what happened?

RUSSIA: As soon as I let him in he bitch slapped me and kicked Lithuania out. Then he killed everyone inside the city.

AMERICA: Harsh-

RUSSIA: Those…those weren't very good times. Not to mention I had serfdom, which we all know is a harsh system. _(He looks to the America's, as if they will say something. They instead look at each other awkwardly) _but you know, my serfdom was different then the European one.

AMERICA: _(Begins to laugh nervously) _Yah…dude…that serfdom…what a bitch-

RUSSIA: You have no idea do you-

CANADA: We were isolated until the 1600's, cut us some slack. We had slavery but…I'm afraid I don't know what serfdom is-

RUSSIA: How should I put this-

_(Suddenly, a light turns on on the above stage. BRITAIN is standing there with a display board to his left)_

BRITAIN: Allow ME to answer that dear sir! I've got this under control!

AMERICA: Wh-what? How did you find us?

BRITAIN: What? You think he's the only one who has you bugged? _(points at RUSSIA)_

AMERICA: WHAT? _(Looks to RUSSIA, who shrugs)_

RUSSIA: I deny nothing.

BRITAIN: Allow me to introduce myself! _(Turns directly to the crowd) _Good evening! My name is Britain, or The United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland if you would prefer. Depending on your place of birth and upbringing, you will probably see me in many different lights, per say. You might refer to me as dad, friend, leader of the industrial revolution, or the man who caused you extreme humiliation by taking over your household. Personally, I think you should all stop whining about that because times have changed, and your independent now India so get over it. Also, never ask what I did to the country before yours, also known as your mother, right Canada? _(CANADA has a very serious look of fear and concern on his face) _Exactly!

AMERICA: Yah, I remember when I was a kid and you came over. You offered us candy…but now that I think about it you never did give/ us any candy.

BRITAIN: Oh, never mind that. Eyes up, pay attention. I'm about to educate you. It is, after all, my duty as your father.

AMERICA: Technically you disowned me-

BRITAIN: Technically you flushed all the tea down the toilet then bitch slapped me and brought my arch rival over to our house so she could beat me while you packed up your stuff and abandoned my household. But let's not get into DETAILS my dear boy.

_(CANADA looks at AMERICA. AMERICA looks back)_

AMERICA: What?

CANADA: I'm the good child.

BRITAIN: Right then. _(Flips over paper of presentation chart. It shows humorous stick drawings of the situations he talks about) _I present to you Russian serfdom, in thirty seconds! All you have to know is that there was lots of land and lots of peasants. So they decided to introduce serfdom, or owning another person without calling it slavery! Serfs had to pay taxes and 'owned' the land they had, but we all know they were used and abused or else, why would all of them keep running away from their masters? You could technically sell a serf and his family together or seperatly, and you could do anything you wanted but kill the man. When serfdom declined in Europe, it rose in Russia. In fact, Russia was one of the last countries to finally get rid of serfdom, and that's why we all think he's uneducated, dirty, and extremely backwards.

_(He bows. The lights are turned off above him, leaving only RUSSIA, CANADA and AMERICA in the light)_

AMERICA: That…was…informative and mildly offensive.

CANADA: So…you were a serf?

RUSSIA: There were a lot of serfs back then…you could say it was the reason I took so long to develop _(AMERICA laughs, but they ignore him) _It's hard to move into the industrial age when you still have slavery and serfdom…so it really kept me in the dark ages while everyone moved on with their lives... then there was Ivan the great-

AMERICA: Finally, someone I've actually heard of.

RUSSIA: Yes…he was…an interesting tsar. Together we were able to gain quite a bit of land…but…on the other hand…he was very unstable..

CANADA: But he liberated you from Mongolia, right?

RUSSIA: True…but one of his favourite pastimes was also raping people. And…he killed his son out of a fit of anger…he killed lots of people in fits of anger-

_(IVAN walks on stage. He walks over to the desk and picks up a paper weight, examining it)_

AMERICA: Then just don't piss him off.

RUSSIA: Much easier said than done…he…he would get angry at the smallest thing...furious very quickly. I blame his parents, or his upbringing. He grew up with two families fighting for the throne. It was like Romeo and Juliet…but no romance…and the families were incredibly violent to one another…

_(IVAN suddenly throws the paper weight down, causing RUSSIA to jump) _

As a child he got pleasure from throwing dogs over the walls and watching them suffer. At thirteen he walked the streets to beat men or violate woman. _(IVAN picks up a lamp and throws it to the ground) _Then there was a fire in Moscow, and I didn't know who to blame! I was very superstitious back then, so I thought perhaps it was witches and sorcerers who did it, or maybe god was punishing Ivan for his sins. _(IVAN walks to the library and begins to throw books around. RUSSIA is now extremely frightened when he speaks) _I didn't know who to blame, so I thought perhaps his mother did it, thinking she was a witch. I…I yelled at him for a bit but he convinced me that his mother didn't do anything of the sort…but…after that he never really trusted anyone ever again…

IVAN: Their all out to get me!

RUSSIA: W-who is father-

IVAN: EVERYONE! Especially YOU!

RUSSIA: M-me father? I didn't do anyt- _(IVAN throws a book at RUSSIA. RUSSIA cowers. There is silence as IVAN turns away from RUSSIA and the audience, after a moment, he turns back to RUSSIA, calm and collected) _

IVAN: Never mind that…these things are behind us now my son. _(He wraps his arm around RUSSIA'S shoulders) _

RUSSIA: Oh…you've…changed a bit… _(MONGOLIA enters from the right, but no one notices him. He walks over to the desk, and starts putting some of the books in his bag)_

IVAN: This…fire incident has taught me a lesson. You truly need someone to guide you, and be there for you. It's what a good father must do. _(He pulls RUSSIA close to him) _I must confess my son, that I have done some terrible things in my past. So I would like to ask your forgiveness, for god's forgiveness, for my sins.

_(RUSSIA pulls away, shocked)_

RUSSIA: A public confession? Really father?

IVAN: Henceforth I will be your judge and defender. And the first thing we will do is- _(Notices MONGOLIA) _GET THE HELL OFF OF MY PROPERTY YOU GODLESS CREATURE! _(MONGOLIA hisses at him)_ Don't just stand there! Get him! He's weakened now that his precious Kangus Kong is dead!

_(RUSSIA walks over to MONGOLIA and pushes him. MONGOLIA pushes back. They begin to push one another back and forth violently before they start slapping and hitting one another. Finally RUSSIA rips the bag away from MONGOLIA, who scurries away from RUSSIA)_

MONGOLIA: You haven't gotten all of your precious land back! Don't think I won't come back for you! _(RUSSIA spits at MONGOLIA, who scurries back from where he came)_

RUSSIA: I can't believe that actually worked! We did it! _(IVAN looks away sorrowfully)_

IVAN: Oh, it would have happened eventually..

RUSSIA: But, look what you did! The road to Siberia has opened up to us!

IVAN: No one would want to go there anyway…

RUSSIA: _(Walking up to IVAN) _What's wrong? You're angry, then happy, and now you're sad? Why these sudden feelings? I'm so confused.

IVAN: I'm moving.

RUSSIA: What? Bu-but you just got here!

IVAN: I'm obviously not needed here.

RUSSIA: But- _(A light appears above stage, where BRITAIN stands)_

BRITAIN: Now, I really MUST stress that this is a rather interesting form of manipulation that Ivan did here!

AMERICA: Stop interrupting the story dude!

CANADA: You're as bad as America..

BRITAIN: _(Walking down the stairs to middle stage) _Ivan had become very paranoid at this time, and his son and wife had just died of random causes. Being alone and scared that people were out to get him, he guessed that, by suddenly giving up the thrown 'in order to please the people', he would in fact be even more loved by everyone and would be begged to come back. Not to mention by, not out right, but sublimely blaming the Boyar family –you know, the ones who made his childhood a living hell- then the rest of Russia wouldn't like the Boyar's either. And it worked AMAZINGLY! He left in the dead of night and left a letter to be read to the people about his leave. When they heard it, they simply went mad! People were screaming in the streets and they begged the Boyars to go to Ivan and bring him back. It was amazing-

RUSSIA: But horrible.

BRITAIN: Oh yes, horrible, because he said he would only come back if certain conditions were accepted. Which, of course, were the conditions that gave him 'the terrible' title.

RUSSIA: And he made me beg him back.

BRITIAN: On your knees

RUSSIA: Almost ironic-

BRITAIN: I wouldn't say that- _(IVAN suddenly turns to RUSSIA and grabs his shoulders, and wild look on his face)_

IVAN: Why so serious? _(RUSSIA screams like a girl and tries to run, but IVAN kicks him in the back, causing him to fall. He stomps one foot on RUSSIA'S back)_

RUSSIA: I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!

IVAN: Traitor, TRAITOR!

BRITAIN: Then he created this rather awful military force called 'the blackness of hell'. A bunch of nasty blocks, running around with dog heads and brooms, accusing people of treason. They usually killed innocent people, just for the fun of it.

RUSSIA: GET OFF OF ME! STOP BURNING YOUR OWN FIELDS YOU CRAZY BASTARD!

IVAN: I don't listen to anything that comes from a WHORES mouth!

BRITAIN: He also made this separate state called the 'oprichniki', where he evacuated all the people living in one area and replaced it with loyal supporters. However, after time he no longer trusted them either! So he killed everyone living in the 'oprichniki'. It was rather awful. They burned the place down and had the woman run around naked chasing chickens. _(Turning to IVAN) _I really don't see the fun in that. Wouldn't you rather want to rape them and get it over with?

_(IVAN releases RUSSIA, who curls up covering his face with his hands, silently crying)_

IVAN: You're no fun Britain, I thought you of all men would understand.

BRITAIN: _(He snorts) _Oh please, I might have been a rather dashing, wild teenager back in my pirate years, but times have changed, I am a different man now _(Looks at nails)_ –though, I am still incredibly attractive. _(Leaves)_

IVAN: Get up, stop being such a woman. _(He hits him) _I SAID GET UP.

RUSSIA: _(Suddenly gets up) _You're horrible! _(IVAN picks up a pen from the desk and throws it at RUSSIA. He goes to leave, but waits by the exit) _One night he saw his daughter-in-law in her nightgown, and he was so angry at her indecency that he pushed her down the stairs, causing her to miscarry. Then, when his son asked him why he hurt his wife, Ivan beat his son to death.

IVAN: I don't want to do this anymore…god does not want me to rule you anymore.

RUSSIA: But I thought it was a test! So I begged him to stay in power! And he ruled for three more years before he died. _(IVAN leaves stage) _And that left my home in turmoil, in ruins!

_(MONGOLIA walks back on stage)_

MONGOLIA:…sup.

RUSSIA: Oh, SON OF A BITCH! _(cut lights)_

**Scene 6**

_(RUSSIA, once again, is sitting at the table with AMERICA and CANADA)_

CANADA: So, who was the next guy-

RUSSIA: ew, I don't want to tell you about Feder, he was a pasty little thing, not fit to be tsar. Let's just say his adviser, Godunov, was named the next tsar. Sure, he paved the way for Peter the Great, turning to western technology in order to advance…but…the church didn't like his ways of thinking…plus he sent 18 students to the west to gather information and come back..but they didn't come back.

AMERICA: Because the west was cooler?

RUSSIA: _(Beat) _Anyway, time went by, all the crops died due to frost and I started blaming Godunov because, well, who else am I supposed to blame? Then came a VERY annoying, rather confusing incident…

DMITRI 1: _(Runs on stage from the left) _Do not worry Russ! For I have returned, the great son of Ivan! Dmitri!

RUSSIA: _(Stands, walks over to DMITRI) _…Didn't you die? I'm…I'm pretty sure Godunov had you murdered.

DMITRI 1: Exactly! And now I am here for my rightful place! To be your father! To overthrow the horrible GODUNOV! _(UKRAINE and POLAND rush in)_

UKRAINE: Oh isn't it exciting Russia! Dmitri is alive and well and looking to rule you properly!

POLAND: Yes, I found him myself! Your sister and I have come to show our full support.

RUSSIA: Well…this is rather exciting.

DMITRI 1: HIYA! _(He proceeds to do some rather lame sword fighting moves, which impress no one. The three clap anyway)_

UKRAINE: Oh, he's simply marvelous brother! Don't you want him?

POLAND: He is, after all, Ivan's son.

RUSSIA: _(Looks off blankly for a second, as if reliving a horrible nightmare. He then snaps back and smiles) _Of course! I-It is after all, your right.

DMITRI 1: Excellent! Come on Poland, let's go get drunk!

POLAND: YEAH! _(They wrap their arms around one another skip off, RUSSIA looking confused)_

RUSSIA: …Dmitri and Poland are rather close…

UKRAINE: Oh, you know how men are-

RUSSIA: I have a feeling he likes Poland more than me…

UKRAINE: Oh, brother don't be sad. _(Pets his head) _Besides, it turns out he wasn't really Dmitri after all, so we had him killed.

RUSSIA: Wait…what?

UKRAINE: Oh don't worry, you have another ruler now, I'm sure he'll be just as/good.

DMITRI 2: AHA! I have RETURNED!

RUSSIA: Who are you supposed to be?

DMITRI 2: I, am of course, Dmitri! Your ruler!

RUSSIA: Didn't you just get killed-

DMITRI 2: That was the FAKE Dmitri, but I am the REAL Dmitri!

RUSSIA:…wait…what the fuuu-

DMITRI 2: Notice my incredible swordsmanship! _(It is really awful. RUSSIA just stares at him) _

RUSSIA: What…what do I do?

DMITRI 3: _(offstage) _NO NO! I AM DMITRI! COME, LOOK AND YOU SHALL SEE!

DMITRI 4: _(Offstage, opposite) _You imposter! I am the TRUE Dmitri!

RUSSIA: _(Looking to UKRAINE) _Sister, please explain what is going on?

UKRAINE: Sorry, but, I don't really want to deal with this mess! You're on your own Vanya! _(Gives him a quick kiss on the cheek and runs offstage)_

DMITRI 2: Come on then! Crown me already!

DMITRI 3: Oh come off it! You are/ such a faker!

DMITRI 4: You all look nothing like/ the original because I AM HIM!

DMITRI 2: Wait/ who am I again?

DMITRI 3: This is getting rather confusing-

RUSSIA: ENOUGH! _(All stop yelling) _None of you get to be tsar! And especially not YOU Sigismund because I asked you to crown Wladyslaw of Poland and then you become a total DICK about it and burned down half of Moscow! _(Off stage an disappointed 'aww' is heard). _Micheal Romonav is going to be tsar and that is FINAL!

DMITRI 4:…but he's only 16

RUSSIA: I don't CARE! _(POLAND walks on stage) _And you! Get the HELL off of my property!

POLAND: Oooohh, a butcher and a prince leading your army? I'm sooo scared. _(RUSSIA walks up to him, then punches him in the face, causing POLAND to fall) _

RUSSIA: Out before I BREAK YOU!

POLAND: Wow, looks like SOMEONE grew a pair-

RUSSIA: OUT! _(POLAND gets up, dusts himself off, and calmly walks towards the right exit) _

POLAND: Just wait until Lithuania hears about this-

_(RUSSIA suddenly charges at POLAND, who bolts off stage.)_

_(End scene)_

I hope that was alright. Again, please review and please tell me how I can make this better. Thanks!


	5. Act 1: Scene 7, 8

**Scene 7**

_(RUSSIA walks up to AMERICA)_

RUSSIA: Then I went through a lot of religious bickering…some people wanted to make minor changes to my worship..and I didn't know what to do. These subjects can be very tricky you see, and especially back then, my faith was really all I had. And that was around the time that Peter the Great returned.

AMERICA: Oh? So the guy who began this whole story? Finally! Jesus this is taking a long time.

CANADA: So what did he do? That made him great?

RUSSIA: He brought me up to date with the world/ when he-

_(PETER rushes on above stage)_

PETER: I have-

PETER/RUSSIA: returned from the West.

_(RUSSIA looks up to PETER. The lights above the drinking table darken as PETER rushes down the steps towards RUSSIA. He is wearing the traditional German attire)_

RUSSIA: You had traveled for so long…I was beginning to wonder if you were ever…coming back- sir? What are you wearing?

PETER: _(Looks RUSSIA up and down)_ what are YOU wearing my boy? It looks like your wearing the skin of what we're having for dinner!

RUSSIA: _(Beat) _I am. That's what we do here…wear fur…because we'll freeze to death-

PETER: _(throwing his arms in the air)_ I forgot how MEDEVIL it was in your house! So dark and depressing!

RUSSIA: _(his mouth twitches as his expression becomes cold)_ Forgive me, it was your family who decorated MY HOME after all.

PETER: Well we'll have none of that! From this day on, we're brightening up the place Russia! And to begin I'm tearing down that god-awful fur on the wall! It's disgusting.

_(PETER turns to RUSSIA, expecting a response. RUSSIA remains quiet, appearing incredibly hostile)_

Oh you should have SEEN it over at the other houses Russia! How warm it is-

RUSSIA: It is sometimes warm here father-

PETER: And the technology! You HAVE to see Britain's ships! His craftsmanship is absolutely amazing! And the architecture of these places! They have advanced so quickly Russia! I was embarrassed to say what it was like back in my house, where all you did was farm all day-

RUSSIA: I do not FARM all day.

PETER: You know what I mean! And- and even the farming tools! And look at your military antics! It's pathetic! Your education, everything! I need to remake EVERYTHING about you!

RUSSIA: _(gnashing his teeth)_ so hard for you to take on such an ANNOYING task such as I-

PETER: I know! But, being your father it is MY responsibility to teach you, and so, I take on this task!

RUSSIA: How VERY thoughtful of you.

PETER: And to begin I have invited a guest over. So clean yourself up, they'll be here any moment _(PETER turns to leave)_

RUSSIA: What? Who? Why didn't you tell me you invited someone over! I should be informed of guests-

PETER: Well I just informed you now! So get something else on that doesn't look like you went out back and shot our latest attire-

RUSSIA: I don't have to take this-

PETER: Just go change! Quickly! She'll be here at any moment-

_(at the mention of 'she', RUSSIA becomes suddenly alert and incredibly agitated)_

RUSSIA: A WOMAN? You invited a woman over and you didn't give me prior notice?

PETER: Would you please just-

_(From the left part of the stage FRANCE walks in. She is wearing a traditional dress as she walks gracefully onto the stage. She smiles and waves towards them both)_

RUSSIA:_ (whispering)_ France? Why is she here?

FRANCE: _(She comes up to PETER)_ Bonjour Peter! Ca ma ca va?

PETER: cava bien. Merci. France, this is Russia. Russia, please greet our guest.

RUSSIA: _(obviously uncomfortable and stiff)_ Hello-

FRANCE: Oh don't be so stiff! You are among friends! It is lovely to finally meet you _(She walks up to him and kisses him on the cheek. Before she can go for the other one he stumbles back, caught off guard)_

PETER: Don't be so ignorant Russia! This is how they say hello in her home, like a handshake-

RUSSIA: I wouldn't want to know how she hugs anyone!

FRANCE: Oh your simply adorable! Peter, you didn't tell me he had grown to be so handsome! And so shy! I simply love it- oh dieu! Your clothes! _(She points to the bottom of RUSSIA pants, which have blood on them)_

PETER: Oh! That…that is-

RUSSIA: Oh, don't worry about that. It's not my blood.

FRANCE:_ (stares at him dumbfounded for a moment before smiling and giving way to sudden laughter) _ah! So true! You will make an excellent friend Russia! Tell me, what do you think of England?

RUSSIA: Isn't he the pirate?

FRANCE: _(embraces RUSSIA)_ We will get along WONDERFULLY! With all your property and strength we could team up and crush that little immature punk into the earth!

RUSSIA: _(smiling)_ I do enjoy crushing people-

PETER: _(clapping his hands together)_ Wonderful! I'm glad you two get along so well, because Russia, France will be teaching you all about her culture back at home. And while you're at it, France teach him your language too. The rest of the West will respect us a lot more if we can speak one of your dialects there…

FRANCE: I would be delighted! Oh Russia you will simply LOVE my language! It is the most romantic after all. It simply rolls off your tongue!

RUSSIA: _(blushing) _Oh…that…sounds nice.

FRANCE: _(grabbing RUSSIA by the arm)_ come, we'll begin right away.

PETER: You two go have fun, I will begin the plans for the education here... _(He walks back to the upper part of the stage and exits stage)_

_(RUSSIA and FRANCE walk to the lower stage)_

FRANCE: And so, you may refer to me as 'tu' because we are friends now, but to your father, you should say 'vu'.

RUSSIA: Our languages are actually very similar. The pronunciation is different…but much of the structure is the same-

FRANCE: You see! God made it to be! How else could we have such similar ways of speaking? Unlike England! You should hear him speak! Such a DEAD language. So boring! No substance!

_(the light shines on CANADA and AMERICA for a moment)_

AMERICA: I take offense to that!

_(The light dims)_

RUSSIA: I know…I have spoken to England a bit, but never for an extensive period of time-

FRANCE: Good! You might begin to smell of savagery if you were around him too long.

RUSSIA: Oh? I thought you all referred to myself as 'the savage one'.

FRANCE: _(quickly looks away)_ n-no! Tha-that's completely different and out of context mon cheir! _(she begins to shiver) _England, he is all about science and power-

RUSSIA: you are not?

FRANCE: I am CULTURE my dear! Why do you think Peter brought me here to educate you on the ways of the west? Just IMAGINE what you would be like if he brought over ENGLAND!

RUSSIA: He seems to be quite taken with their boats-

FRANCE: Because England's a pirate! Of course he has such a massive fleet. I swear for an island country he really does reek havoc on the rest of us. _(FRANCE is visibly shivering by now. RUSSIA looks around, then takes off his coat. He places it on her shoulders. She smiles at him coyly)_ Oh? Offering me your coat? But you will get cold, no?

RUSSIA: This is my home. I am used to this by now…besides…it has been much colder before.

FRANCE: Such a gentleman. And Peter made it sound like I would have a barbarian to work with. Why, you don't need that much work!

RUSSIA: _(his smile hardens)_ Why thank you.

FRANCE: _(Grabbing a hold of his arm and leaning into him) _Oh don't get to tight suddenly! You know what I mean my dear. Please do not take offense. _(She looks off to the side, over dramatically)_ I do not know what I would do if you were to be angry with me.

RUSSIA: _(flustered)_ I- I don't hate you! It's just, referring to me like I'm so backwards is…it is rather offensive-

FRANCE: _(She lunges herself at him, pulling him into a hug) _Oh mon cheir! I did not mean it like that! You wouldn't hurt me would you?

_(RUSSIA stands there awkwardly, his hands in the air. He looks around, not sure what to do with his hands. After a moment, he awkwardly and stiffly pats her back with one of them. FRANCE pulls away from him.)_

Oh? Why do you look so scared? Are you not used to people hugging you?

RUSSIA: It's…it's not THAT necessarily…

FRANCE: Oh. So you are not used to people touching you? _(RUSSIA takes a step back from her, she advances) _Tell me, Russia…have you ever been with a wo-

RUSSIA: _(Instinctually grabs the rosary that is around his neck) _No! I will not discuss this with you! It is improper and _(FRANCE begins to laugh) _certainly not something a woman should be talking about!

FRANCE: Oh you are so cute! For such a strong man you are awfully shy!

RUSSIA: It is not I, but the word of God that I speak of! I will not think of…and I thought you were also a follower!

FRANCE: Oh sweet little Russia! You have been isolated for so long! If you keep acting like this, it will force me to tease you further! _(she advances on him and he takes further steps back)_

RUSSIA: Stay back! I-I hold the third Rome! I won't-

FRANCE: _(quickly moves on him and wraps one arm around him, the other hand resting on his chest, playing with the top of his shirt)_ Such a dedicated man, it's hard to come by these days. And, oh!_ (pulling his shirt back a bit) _you have a scar! You have more don't you!

RUSSIA: STOP THAT!

FRANCE: Oh, let me see them! If you show me yours, I will show you mine-

_(PETER suddenly appears above stage)_

RUSSIA: I will not be tempted!

PETER: Russia! What are you doing? _(FRANCE and RUSSIA freeze in their positions as PETER advances down the stairs)_

RUSSIA: What…what am I doing? Ask her!

_(FRANCE pulls away)_

FRANCE: Don't blame me! He is so cute when he blushes-

PETER: What are you holding? What is that?

_(RUSSIA looks down at his rosary, dumb founded)_

RUSSIA: it is…the holy cross sir-

PETER: Well get rid of it! All religion does it meddle up our household! I'm sick and tired of hearing 'god this' and 'the lord that' from you!

RUSSIA: _(shocked)_….Surely…you don't mean father-

PETER: Come on, hand it over.

RUSSIA: What…what are you going to do with it?

PETER: Throw it in the trash, where it belongs-

RUSSIA: BLASPHAMY! _(He runs away from them, back to the office area)_

PETER: Russia, where are you going?

RUSSIA: To my room to pray for your soul, and YOU _(Points to FRANCE) _Don't you follow me! _(he stands there for a moment, waiting to see if she will follow. When she remains still, he exits the stage)_

PETER: You shouldn't push him so far France, I don't want him having a mental break down.

FRANCE: _(throwing back her hair)_ I wouldn't have done anything. _(looks him up and down) _and perhaps I should say the same to you. Taking away his religion, especially a man who goes through as much death a day as he does…that is rather harsh Peter…perhaps wean him off-

PETER: You would defend him. _(Silence)_ I didn't bring you here to tell me how I should dictate religion to my son. You do your job, I'll do mine.

FRANCE: _(she shrugs, indifferently)_ whatever you say. If that is all, I will be heading to my chamber also.

_(She walks as if she is going to leave the opposite end of the stage, but she stops for a moment, thinking. Then she turns to where RUSSIA left off and goes right to the curtain)_

FRANCE: _(She sings) _Russia! Oh Russia! _(*will you not lie down with me?* in French)_

RUSSIA: _(from back stage)_ I don't know what you said but I bet it is incredibly indecent! Now leave!

_(she laughs and exits opposite stage)_

**Scene 8**

_(The lights fade in, showing FRACE and RUSSIA, both facing each other with swords. They have a neutral stance about them.)_

RUSSIA: I do not see why I need you to help me improve my military tactics. I think they are fine just the way they are-

FRANCE: Yes, if by fine you mean incredibly weak and pathetic.

_(He stares at her for a moment before stepping forward and hitting her head with the handle of his sword. She takes a step back and curses.)_

RUSSIA: There, you see? I know how to hit someone. It really isn't that hard.

FRANCE: I am surprised you did not hesitate to hit a woman mon cheir! And here I thought you were such a gentleman-

RUSSIA: I grew up beside China. I have learned to defend myself from your kind, believe me. Are we finished here? Killing someone isn't that hard. The pointy end of the sword goes into the enemy's body. It is not that hard to understand.

_(FRANCE brushes off her jacket, then suddenly lunges at RUSSIA with her sword. He moves his sword up to defend when she suddenly kicks his feet out from under him. He falls.)_

FRANCE: You seem to forget the other little details of war, mom petite lapin.

RUSSIA: That was a dirty trick, and in what way am I a small rabbit?

FRANCE: Come at me. Try it once more.

_(He stands, and lunges at her with his sword, she moves her foot as to trip him so he takes a sudden step back. This leaves his stomach open in which she knees him. He falls to the ground once more.)_

What am I going to do with you? You have enough strength you just have to idea where to put it-

RUSSIA: I dare you to say that again!_ (He stands)_

FRANCE: I know you are young mon lapin, but there is no need to act your age-

RUSSIA: You arrogant- _(PETER appears above stage)_

PETER: ah ah ah Russia! Ah francai!

RUSSIA: _(glares at him, then at FRANCE)_ *Prepare to be mutilated, my dear*

PETER: Atta boy! That's the spirit!

FRANCE: Oh my! Such violent words in front of a lady! I never taught you that!

RUSSIA: No, you didn't, I read it in one of your books. It seems they have finally come in handy.

FRANCE: _(bows with her sword)_ Show me what else you have learned. You would not keep a woman waiting would you?

RUSSIA: _(he prepares to charge)_ *prepare yourself!*

_(He charges at her. The lights fade. Swords clashing and the shuffling of feet is heard. Both swear under their breath before a loud 'thud' is heard. The lights come back on, revealing RUSSIA laying on his back, stunned. FRANCE is breathing heavily as she sticks her sword back in its holder. )_

FRANCE: I think that's about enough for today, don't you.

RUSSIA: _(staring at the ceiling)_ what just happened?/ Did I just get laid?

FRANCE: How about I teach you some dancing now? Peter mentioned how he wants to educate you on that too.

RUSSIA: _(still slightly stunned) _Dancing? I know how to dance. Everyone knows how to dance.

FRANCE: Merely moving around to music isn't dance Russia. _(She offers him her hand. He takes it and stands)_

RUSSIA: I thought that was the definition.

FRANCE: _(Beginning to stretch) _We will start with ballet.

RUSSIA: _(Watching her stretch)_ Really? Can't we just waltz instead? _(After a moment, he becomes embarrassed and looks away. 'Kalinka' begins to play in the background)_

FRANCE: No.

RUSSIA: Why?

FRANCE: It hasn't been invented yet.

RUSSIA: Figures.

FRANCE: Italy taught me this dance, and now I will teach you.

_(She begins to move to the music. RUSSIA watches her hesitantly as she spins around him, moving across the stage. During the faster part of the chorus, she grabs his hands and motions for him to follow her. They begin to dance together. When the music gets especially quick after the second part of the chorus, she jumps to him, and he lifts her [as comfortably as the actor can] into the air. He slowly brings her back down to him. The music fades out as they stare at each other for a moment. They begin to move in even closer to each other.)_

_(The lights over the drinking table suddenly light up)_

AMERICA: Is that when you did her?

RUSSIA: _(suddenly dropping FRANCE)_ No! That is not when I 'did her'!

AMERICA: Oh….I'm just sayin….was getting' pretty steamy there Holmes-

CANADA: Wow, I think you just ruined the most tender moment in this play.

RUSSIA: Must you comment on everything? Can't you sit there and just listen for once?

AMERICA: Ugh Whatever! This is BORING! All you do is complain like 'oh, China doesn't like me!' and 'Lithuania and Poland keep beating me up' and 'the Mongolians raped me'. WHATEVER man! Where's the action dude?

RUSSIA: Of course, being desensitized by that garbage you call entertainment, you would naturally not be able to distinguish reality from your little fantasies.

AMERICA:….what?

RUSSIA: It's sad when I can discuss more in depth ideas in your native tongue then even you can-

AMERICA:….did you just say you were going to tongue me?

RUSSIA: It's like talking to a WALL!

CANADA: Uh, so then what? _(RUSSIA and AMERICA both turn to him)_ That's how you became good at ballet?

RUSSIA: Technically, yes-

America: And she taught you French? Who'd a thunk…

RUSSIA: I also learned English….though I still do not know what you are saying half of the time.

CANADA: wow…and she taught you how to fight-

RUSSIA: She did not TEACH me, she merely brought me up to date on the current battle tactics. Peter went about building universities, and later I built a lot of my government around her system. She was very right you know. At that time she was the height of culture. _(He walks back to FRANCE, who wraps her arms around him neck)_

FRANCE: Perhaps you won't be so bad at this after all?

RUSSIA: We'll see.

_(She then takes his hands in hers, and they move their feet as if they are about to dance again)_

AMERICA: And THEN you had sex? _(They stop dancing as RUSSIA turns angrily to him)_

RUSSIA: YES! Yes THEN we had sex, are you happy NOW?

AMERICA: _(he woots as RUSSIA grabs FRANCE'S hand and angrily leaves the stage. She begins to laugh. AMERICA fist pumps the air and screams. He then turns to CANADA) _YEAH! SCORE!

CANADA: _(looking awkwardly at his beet)_ yah…uh…yah-

AMERICA: HIGH FIVE! _(CANADA looks up at him)_

CANADA: You do realize this is my step-mother we're talking about.

AMERICA: _(He stares at CANADA blankly for a second before raising his hand higher) _Russia did YOUR MOM!

_(CANADA buries his face into his hands as AMERICA laughs) _

Oh come on Canada, you're parents HATE each other! It's not like she's CHEATING or anything!

_(CANADA lets out a muffled sob as AMERICA, sits back down, laughing before taking a swig of his beer. The lights fade)_

_(End scene)_

Is this funny enough? Am I giving too much information? Is this too confusing? Surprisingly, the part with France is the longest part in act 1. I don't know why...I guess I wanted to really express how I thought France really did influence Russia so much (she did, cheak it out man. Those two were tight...till the whole Napolean thing...and catherine the great...just keep reading, you'll understand soon enough)


	6. Act 1: Scene 9, 10

**Scene 9**

_(The lights fade back on to the majority of the stage, where FRANCE glides in.)_

FRANCE: Enlightenment! That is what they called the era of Catharine the great! You see _(she stops spinning)_ She loved the West as much as Peter. And she loved my written works even more!

_(the lights suddenly go out as the one over the upper left turns on. CATHARINE II stands there, poised and proud)_

CATHARINE: I, the tsarina, declare a new age in history! Enlightenment! Culture! Philosophy! Dance! Theater! Poems and rhymes, these are the things that my household will be known for! _(A light suddenly turns on above FRANCE)_

FRANCE: Oui! The liberal arts are truly at the heart of all mankind! Is it not our privilege, non, our duty then to seek enlightenment in these very corners of the human mind?

_(CATHARINE runs down the stairs and comes up to FRANCE)_

CATHARINE: My dear! Sometimes it is as though you are the only one who truly understands these things in life!

FRANCE: I can not agree with you further mother of Russia! You have taken on one of the most important tasks one can do for her child. To further their understanding in the cultural knowledge of what is 'the arts'.

CATHARINE: It is the least I can do, and not after your example! Your books, your papers on the liberal mindset are so aw inspiring France! I only wish I could write something as half, no, a quarter of the brilliance you have with the written word!

FRANCE: Do no put yourself so far below me my friend! Though your French could use improvement, you have greatly expanded my mind in the ideas that you have. Having grown up in a far different atmosphere then I, it was truly a delight to indulge myself in the history and mindset of your own culture.

_(RUSSIA enters)_

RUSSIA: I'm glad you two are getting along so well…but can you please be quiet?

CATHARINE: Oh Russia! You're up?

RUSSIA: I was sleeping, but I was awoken to your constant chatting. You do realize that your not REALLY saying anything? /Just using 'big words'.

FRANCE: I wanted to visit you while you slept, but your door was locked.

RUSSIA: Sorry, but after living with Mongolia for 200 years, I frankly am a little bothered by people touching me while I sleep.

FRANCE: Naww…poor little Russia…_(She snuggles against his arm.)_

CATHARINE: Simply adorable! Come! We shall dine together. Tonight we will have beef.

FRANCE: Very well. And what shall Russia and I be having?

CATHARINE: _(turning to her in surprise)_ Why, beef also, of course.

FRANCE: _(visibly taken aback)_ You mean, Russia also eats like this?

CATHARINE: _(Laughing)_ but of course! He at least eats chicken every day, though, he does prefer turkey to that.

RUSSIA: _(confused)_ …I wouldn't necessarily say th-

CATHARINE: Come come! This way! _(She exits stage)_

FRANCE: I am so jealous of you Russia! My father almost never feeds me! Never the less chicken and beef!

_(RUSSIA does not respond to her, but looks off to where CATHARINE left)_

Is something wrong mon l'amour?

RUSSIA: _(after a moment longer of silence)_ It is nothing. Come. _(They exit where CATHARINE left)_

_(After a couple of seconds, RUSSIA and CATHARINE enter stage again)_

RUSSIA: What was all that about?

CATHARINE: I know not what you mean my son. Now if you'll excuse me- _(He grabs her arm and spins her around)_

RUSSIA: We don't have to pretend. She can already tell that I am starving about as much as she is-

CATHARINE: She doesn't need to know that-

RUSSIA: And why not?

CATHARINE: DON'T you raise your voice to ME! _(RUSSIA lets go of her) _You know how much I idolize that woman…and if for one second she thinks that our home isn't good enough because of something you say…so help you god Russia-

RUSSIA: Are you insane? How can she NOT see what is going on? The fact that I will suddenly cough up blood is a give away in itself-

CATHARINE: Just tell her you have a cold-

RUSSIA: Yes! A cold! A freezing cold! Are you referring to my sons and daughters freezing to death? I could always tell her that-

CATHARINE: What has gotten INTO you? Why are you acting like this all of a sudden! You're not normally so hostile towards me-

RUSSIA: Maybe it's all these liberal ideas you speak of. Maybe it's the fact that my mother is such a hypor-

CATHARINE: I and not a hypocrite! In what WAY am I a hypocrite-

RUSSIA: Serfdom! That is how! You spout all these papers and ideas and thoughts on how new and cultured we are, but I've looked into it! I've seen over the horizon the other houses. Others are doing away with it Catharine! Why am I the only one with this? Why are MY children still suffering because you are too-

CATHARINE: I don't want to talk about this- _(goes to leave)_

RUSSIA: Catharine! We need to talk about this! I am sick and tired of-

CATHARINE: Good night Russia.

_(She exits the stage. RUSSIA clenches his fist, punches the study table, then leaves the opposite direction)_

_(Lights on the drinking table)_

CANADA: That's an awfully long time to have slaves…

AMERICA: I still don't understand-

CANADA: Weren't you paying any attention to Britain?

AMERICA:…..uh-

CANADA: You are so irrespon-

AMERICA: Quiet! The lights are coming back on!

_(Lights dim on the drinking table and light back up on the rest of the stage. FRANCE is standing by the book shelf, reading a book. RUSSIA walks in and leans against the shelf just beside her)_

RUSSIA: France?

FRANCE: Yes?

RUSSIA: Are we married?

FRANCE: Do we have a treaty signed? _(still reading)_

RUSSIA: Yes.

FRANCE: Do we have immigration between our houses?

RUSSIA: Yes.

FRANCE: Is there Russian literature in my home?

RUSSIA:…yes?

FRANCE: Then yes. You and I are officially married.

RUSSIA:….oh…._(an awkward silence as he grabs the bottom of his top. He plays with it childishly)_

FRANCE: _(looking up from her book)_ What?

RUSSIA: Nothing…just…um….thought it would be more…you know…more of a big deal. Ceremony and all of that.

FRANCE: Do you want a ceremony?

RUSSIA: No…I just… _(He coughs)_

FRANCE: Russia….are you asking if we are married because you want to do/ something dirty-

RUSSIA: Never mind! Just forget everything I said!

FRANCE: _(Closing the book) _Is there something the matter?

RUSSIA: _(Looking off to the side) _I've never really….done anything like this before…with anyone-

FRANCE: It really isn't that big of a deal Russia. I've been married countless times.

RUSSIA: _(A look of concern) _Oh?

FRANCE: Let's see…They're have been so many…not to count just the people I've slept with…

RUSSIA: Oh.

FRANCE: Mmmm…I was married to England on and off for a while-

RUSSIA: B-but he said you two HATED each other! Why-

FRANCE: We do. It's only really an on and off thing…and even then it's not US getting married, most of the time it's just our parents…hmmm… _(RUSSIA is suddenly very quiet as he looks off stage. He then looks at the small bundle of flowers on the desk. He reaches for one and holds it gently in his hand)_

RUSSIA: I really can't offer you much….perhaps not as much as the men before myself. I can't even promise that I will always love you, but _(beat) _I can promise to always care for you…to at least never hate you. It's all I have. _(He offers her the flower. She smiles and takes it from him_

FRANCE: You're too much, do you know that? _(she smells it) _Besides, I am sure what you lack in experience you will make up for in resources my dear _(She looks coyly at him. He stares at her blankly) _

RUSSIA: I don't understand.

FRANCE: It's a sexual innuendo love.

RUSSIA: I am still failing to see your meaning France.

_(CATHERINE enters left stage) _

FRANCE: I'll explain later dear.

_(RUSSIA takes a step away from FRANCE, the intimacy of the situation gone) _

CATHARINE: Bonjour you two!

FRANCE: Bonjour!

_(RUSSIA stays silent. FRANCE looks at him)_ Won't you say hello to your mother?

RUSSIA: Mother? Who? That woman isn't my mother. A mother wouldn't allow her child to suffer-

CATHARINE: What are you reading France?

FRANCE: _(looking back and forth between the two)_ oh, it is a book by one of my sons, it's-

RUSSIA: Is it on philosophy?

FRANCE: um...actually on governmental liberali-

RUSSIA: Ironic, that it's in my household, yet I seem to have NONE in my life-

CATHARINE: _(She comes closer and takes FRANCE by the arm, leading her away from RUSSIA)_ Oh! I'm so glad to hear you like the selection of books here! I was afraid at first that we would not have enough-

FRANCE: Not at all!

RUSSIA: Yes! Quite a few books, especially on freedom!

CATHARINE: You should really read this new one- oh! Oh you know what! I would simply love it if you could edit this poem that I am- _(RUSSIA grabs a near by lamp and smashes it to the floor. CATHARINE and FRANCE suddenly turn to him)_

FRANCE: Mon chier! What are you doing?

CATHARINE: Now Russia, don't be such a-

RUSSIA: Do not take me LIGHTLY Catharine! For YEARS I have told you, and the one before you, and the ones before him that I WANT more freedom for the children. At least they acknowledged me before, but now you completely IGNORE me! I will not STAND FOR IT CATHARINE!

CATHARINE: You watch your tongue boy, you have no idea who-

RUSSIA: I know who you are! I bore you! That is why you should at the very least give me the ONE thing that you profess to be so great in all of your silly papers!

CATHARINE: Russia, I warn you….back down now, or I will be forced to ripe the very thought from you skull-

_(He advanced on her)_

RUSSIA: I would like to see you TRY you woman!

_(When he gets close enough, she suddenly steps forward and back hands him so hard that he falls to the floor. She then takes RUSSIA's sword from him and stabs him. He screams in pain. FRANCE looks away. CATHARINE pulls the sword out and hands it to FRANCE.)_

CATHARINE: Hold this.

_(FRANCE nods as she takes it. CATHARINE then picks RUSSIA up by the hair. He cries out.)_

CATHARINE: You apparently have forgotten what we do to traitors and men who spread lies Russ. It seems you have forced me to remind you of such a thing.

RUSSIA: DO YOUR WORST YOU WITCH! YOU HYPOCRITE!

CATHARINE: If you wish. _(She beings to drag him off stage)_ I am so sorry you had to see this France.

_(FRANCE is trembling) _

FRANCE: Not at all miss…I understand…my father has….had to put me in my place at times. I understand.

CATHARINE: _(smiles at FRANCE)_ So glad we agree. _(She drags RUSSIA out, he is still screaming)_

_(FRANCE looks out to where they left. She plays with her fingers awkwardly as the lights dim)_

**Scene 10 **

_(Lights come back on. FRANCE is sitting uncomfortably at the desk, fidgeting. After some time, RUSSIA walks on stage. Other then some blood on his shirt, he appears fine. FRANCE leaps up and rushes over to him.)_

FRANCE: Are you ok? It wasn't too bad was it?

RUSSIA: It's fine…nothing I haven't been through before.

FRANCE: _(gently touching his chest) _I don't see any marks-

RUSSIA: She didn't cut me in places you can see my dear.

_(She plays with his shirt a little before resting on his chest. He gently wraps his arms around her)_

RUSSIA: I do not see why you are so upset. It didn't happen to you-

FRANCE: But it does. It does happen to me…I know your pain._ (She pushes herself away slightly so she can look into his eyes)_ I can feel it too Russ. I feel my children starving…I feel their pain. When they die…how they die. _(RUSSIA gently strokes her hair)_ Do you ever wonder Russ… _(she hushes her voice)_ what it would be like? If…if we took over our parents?

RUSSIA: _(laughs lightly)_ Believe me, I've done that before. But the last man I brought over to replace the tsar was even worse. I've decided to just let it be…it is hard to find a suitable leader. Besides, God does choose these-

FRANCE: Not like that. No replacements…just…if it was people. Do you ever wonder what it would be like to rule yourself.

RUSSIA: _(Looks off for a moment, then back to her) _I don't think that's possible. Our kind…our thoughts are too scattered. It would be too complicated to rule ourselves-

FRANCE: But it wouldn't! We can find a way, can't we? If we just thought about it further…together…we could find a way-

RUSSIA: You shouldn't speak like that. What if your father heard you? Or my mother? And what if it failed? Can you imagine the pain you would go through? Life isn't just something you and I can throw away.

FRANCE: _(silent) _Perhaps. _(She takes his hand and places it on her waist, then she takes his other hand. Music begins to play as they dance) _I was always surprised by how good of a dancer you are.

RUSSIA: Thank you. _(They move to 'take this waltz')_

FRANCE: Russia?

RUSSIA: Yes?

FRANCE: I love you.

_(They stop and stare at each other. He leans in and kisses her softly, and they stay like that for a moment before he pulls away. The music fades out as FRANCE pulls away from RUSSIA completely, walking closer to the audience.)_

FRANCE: Do not worry Russia, things will change soon enough, for you and I.

RUSSIA: _(walking up to her)_ what do you mean?

FRANCE: I can't keep this up Russ….I don't want to starve anymore. I don't want all of my work to go towards my father, while I am left with nothing. It's not fair Russia…I don't care if this is how God made it. I refuse to watch them starve any longer. I am going to do something.

RUSSIA: But…you could die. If you fail…what if you're weak? What if Britain sees you in that state?

FRANCE: Then let him come. You obviously forget my strength Russ. I have survived this long, haven't I? I'm not going to sit by patiently anymore. I am going to do something! I am going to become stronger Russ! Just you watch!

RUSSIA: Please, France-

CATHARINE: _(offstage)_ Russia!

FRANCE: Do not worry about me. Do what you can. Worry about yourself love. I will do what I must. For my people. For my children. I will do what I should have done so long ago-

CATHARINE: RUSSIA!

RUSSIA: But what will happen to you?

FRANCE: _(quickly kisses him) _I will be free. Isn't that what you've always wanted?

RUSSIA: But-

CATHARINE: _(runs on stage as FRANCE runs off. RUSSIA goes to follow France, but CATHARINE grabs his coller and pulls him back)_ Don't you listen to her Russia! She's gone mad! She has finally gone insane with all of her unnatural ideas!

RUSSIA: But…mon l'amour- _(CATHARINE slaps him)_

CATHARINE: Don't you speak that filthy language ever again in front of me! Do you understand? _(the sound of a mob is faintly heard in the background)_

RUSSIA: _(holding his cheek, incredibly hurt)_ I don't. I don't understand. What has gotten into you…I thought you loved Fra-

CATHARINE: Don't even say her name! Her idea's will infect you Russia! Don't you understand? Don't you know what she's doing? _(the mob gets louder)_

_(a man screams offstage. RUSSIA goes to go after the noise, but CATHARINE holds him back)_

RUSSIA: She might be hurt!

CATHARINE: She has overthrown her father Russ! She has declared herself her own person! She will kill her parents Russia, like the monster that she is! Their little children she will torture-

RUSSIA: She would never do that! You liar! _(Windows being crashed can be heard. Footsteps, a woman screaming in the background)_

CATHARINE: Forget her! No more traveling! No more of her literature! I don't want anything by her in my house!

_FRANCE appears upper stage, where only leaders are seen. She is covered in blood. She carries an old gun in her hand._

RUSSIA: You can't possibly deny me this too! You don't understand! I love her!

CATHARINE: _(hits him) _I don't want to hear anymore!

RUSSIA: I love her! _(He looks up to FRANCE)_ *My love, what have you done?*

FRANCE: _(lifts the rifle in the air)_ *For the people! Long live France!* _(The crowd cheers as CATHARINE pulls RUSSIA off stage, he is shocked as he stares at FRANCE. They leave the stage, the lights fade)_

_(End scene)_

Was that too lame? I hope the emotion was there...


	7. Act 1: Scene 11, 12, 13

**Scene 11**

_(Lights fade in on AMERICA and CANADA, they are quiet for a moment, and wait for RUSSIA to join them again)_

CANADA: I…I remember when that happened. She told me about it._ (AMERICA nods)_

AMERICA: Britain told me all about it. Though…his description involved a lot more swear words, and gory details…along with drunken slurs.

RUSSIA: Yes…it was hard after that.

CANADA: So you couldn't see each other anymore?

RUSSIA: Not while Catharine ruled. She forbid all the travel between us…I wasn't allowed to see her for so long…I became very isolated again. Kept to myself, though, I would hear news of her. England and I would talk a bit…he was very concerned about her power, since she became undefeated. It was only when Alexander came to rule me that I was allowed to see her again. We signed a treaty.

_ALEXANDER and NAPOLEON are seen above stage, they go to each other and shake hands, speaking muffled words to each other. All the lights brighten, reviling FRANCE sitting at a table. She looks down, her hair covering her eyes. RUSSIA leaves the America's and walks towards the table, the lights on the drinking table fade._

FRANCE: _(still not looking at him)_ Hello Russia…it has been a long time, no?

RUSSIA: _(He rushes to her, kneeling down and pulling her into a sudden hug)_ oh god France, I missed you, France I missed you so much. I didn't know what to do. There was so much confusion when you rebelled!_ (He pulls himself away slightly and kisses her. She is unresponsive, incredibly indifferent. He pulls away and looks at her face, his smile shaking, faltering)_ Are you ok? You seem…so distant…since the last time we met-

FRANCE: Hm? Me? _(She finally looks at him) _Oh…Russia. No, I am fine. I am more than fine. I am the best. _(She kicks her feet up and places them on the table, leaning back. RUSSIA gives her a confused look)_

RUSSIA: You seem different…

FRANCE: That's what freedom does Russia, it makes you different. _(He stands) _So, we both sign this paper right? That will keep the peace between us…that's good. I don't want you attacking me-

RUSSIA: I would never attack you, because I love you.

FRANCE: _(as if she didn't hear)_ and we will allow travel between our houses too then? That is also good…more people to see what I have done. Just don't you betray me, or else…

RUSSIA: I would never betray you, because I love you.

FRANCE: _(looks at RUSSIA)_ Are you still going on about that?

RUSSIA: _(takes a step back)_ But…I thought…

FRANCE: Stop acting like such a woman. I don't care Russ.

_She gets up, goes to move away, but he grabs her hand and spins her around. He cups her face in his hands and looks about her face._

RUSSIA: Where are you? Where did you go? What happened to you?

FRANCE: I'm right here, idiot-

RUSSIA: You know what I mean! What HAPPENED to you?

FRANCE: What happened to me? What happened to me? I'll tell you what happened! I've conquered, Russia! I've won! I am victorious! I haven't lost a battle yet! I'm the strongest person in Europe! No, in the world! Others cower before me, because they know what I can do. I have done it, I have become the best-

RUSSIA: And at what price-

FRANCE: At what price? You make it sound so demonic! Don't you judge me, you have no idea what my father was doing. I had to kill him, there was nothing else to do-

RUSSIA: There's always a way-

FRANCE: I tried every other way. When words don't work Russ, you use your hands. Remember that. All I had to do was kill him, that's all.

RUSSIA: Don't say 'that's all'!

FRANCE: But it is! That's all! All I had to do was cut off that narrow minded head of his! I liberated my children! I brought joy to my house! What have you done? Nothing! For me? People cheer my name-

RUSSIA: And the blood on your clothes? Is that fine-

FRANCE: Yes! Yes it's fine! It's good! I'm happy their dead!

RUSSIA: Who? Who's dead France? Who did you kill?

FRANCE: M-my children! I killed them! B-because they weren't being fair! I _(begins to cry)_ I killed them! All of them! Th-the death of a few will free the rest! It-It's how…._(RUSSIA pulls her into his chest as she sobs)_

RUSSIA: It's ok-

FRANCE: I can feel them! I felt it! There's blood everywhere! I dragged them from their houses! I sold their children! I made them watch! Their all dead! I can't even remember why! But I-I can't wash it away! All my clothes are stained Rus- I- I buy new ones but-but they get dirty too!

RUSSIA: It's ok-

FRANCE: I just….I don't want anyone to die anymore….But I couldn't keep doing it…I don't want to starve anymore…I don't want to be hungry anymore…._(gives way to sobbing. RUSSIA holds her as the lights fade out)_

BRITIAN: And then that BLOODY wench told people they couldn't trade with me anymore! The nerve! _(lights on the bar table come back on. BRITIAN in standing behind AMERICA and CANADA, who look over at him)_

CANADA: When did you get here-

AMERICA: HOW did you get here is more like it-

BRITAIN: I'm Britain! I can do bloody anything-

CANADA: Oh god he's drunk-

BRITAIN: Don't you back talk to me boy! _(takes off his belt) _Don't think just because you're older I won't give you the belt.

AMERICA/CANADA: Sorry dad…

BRITAIN: _(pulls up a chair and sits down)_ Right, so pretty much France became even more of a witch because of that bloody wanker-

AMERICA: Russia?

BRITAIN: What? NO! Napoleon! Are you daft? She took over virtually all of Europe _(He laughs)_ except for me of course! Old frog breath would have to pull a fast one of me if she ever wanted to take over my house.

CANADA: But didn't France invade Russia?

BRITAIN: Precisely. Napoleon decided, might as well take Russia while he's at it right?

AMERICA: During 1812? _(turns to CANADA)_ Oh hey, isn't that when I burnt down your capital?

CANADA: And then I burnt down yours 2 years later. yah. _(BRITAIN laughs and gives him the thumbs up)_

AMERICA: yah whatever. Yo, Brits, what was it like having your archrival undefeated controlling all of Europe.

BRITAIN: Well, I'm not taking questions right now, but my belt is._ (Slaps it in the palm of his hand. AMERICA stares at it for a second before BRITAIN slaps the table with it. AMERICA jumps up and runs off stage screaming) _Disrespect ME will you YOU LITTLE BASTARD?

_He chases after AMERICA. CANADA sighs and looks over to RUSSIA, who is now standing center stage, appearing to be digging in the ground. The lights dim on CANADA as RUSSIA continues to dig. His back faces the left, where FRACE and NAPOLON enter stage. _

_FRANCE begins to walk towards RUSSIA, and opens her mouth as if to speak when RUSSIA cuts her off._

RUSSIA: I've changed my mind.

FRANCE: About what?

RUSSIA: I don't want to do this. _(Drops sickle to the ground) _I don't want to relive this moment of my life.

_(The lights over the drinking table suddenly turn on. BRITAIN now has a seat beside AMERICA. He holds a glass of scotch in his hand)_

FRANCE: But-mon amie-

AMERICA: Oh come on! _(He leaps from the table, rushes to RUSSIA and FRANCE) _Everyone's been waiting for this moment since you met France! The building up of the relationship, the teacher and her student, the two lovers. We wonder 'oh! Can the protagonist ever love again? After so much death and pain in his past.' When suddenly the female counterpart appears! And here, you two dance and play your show, and fall in love, when suddenly, you are torn apart! Time goes by, and when you meet again she, she is not the same as she was before! The pain! And then that leads us to this scene. The betrayal! She storms your house, forcing you to flee for your life! And the burning of you, of your own home! The lights flicker! You bear your soul to the audience, how you loved, how you died. Then you force her from your land. That is how it's supposed to be.

FRANCE: _(She nods) _It is what we are all expecting my dear.

RUSSIA: You make it sound so romantic…it was nothing like that. It hurt me…but… _(He looks directly into FRANCE's eyes) _We're friends now. I don't want you to relive this. You froze to death, your sons dying in their sleep. I watched as you slaughtered and ate your own horse. You drank it's blood. It reminded me of so long ago…

_(No one speaks for a moment)_

I can remember. I killed every soldier you left behind. I want to move on from this. From you. Moscow burnt to the ground-

FRANCE: You did that-

RUSSIA: Do you remember? I don't. Either you burned my heart down for power, or I burned my heart so you could never have it…I do not know. But it is over now. I don't want to relive this. I don't want to relive you France. _(Beat) _I made you a promise. That I would never hate you. I don't love you anymore, but I don't hate you. I never have.

_(Silence) _

BRITAIN: So what? You're just going to skip one of the most famous battles in the world.

RUSSIA: Yes. This is my story, I will choose how I tell it.

_(Lights fade out)_

**Scene 12**

_(lights fade in. RUSSIA is sitting at the drinking table)_

AMERICA: Hmmm…that must have been tough.

RUSSIA: It was, she was my first…well…my first real love. I liked China on and off then…sometimes secretly obsessing, other times hating her.

BRITAIN: We've all been there Russia. I think everyone's liked China at some point or another…I remember her during the opium wars…

RUSSIA: I thought you didn't like her then.

BRITAIN: Crazy times….crazy times…I'm glad you and I are on good terms at least. Except for…you know…the whole 'red scare thing', you've been alright Russia.

RUSSIA: Thank you, the same to you my friend-

AMERICA: Um…what?

BRITAIN: Russia and I are fairly close now. We have a special friendship-

AMERICA: What, like, me and Mexico?

CANADA: um…define 'special'…

RUSSIA: Well, certainly not like you and Japan.

AMERICA: Th-that- you leave him out of this!

BRITAIN: Yes, don't talk about his boyfriend, he gets rather upset over/ it.

AMERICA: I am NOT gay for Japan! If I were gay for anyone it would be MEXICO!

RUSSIA:…Mexico is a woman-

AMERICA: EXACLY-

CANADA: WAIT…does…this have to do with our earlier conversation? _(Face begins to scrunch up) _Oh….wait…ugh…You've had sexual relations with my mother…and…my father-

RUSSIA: This is turning to be quite the traumatizing night for you, da?

BRITAIN: Oh, calm down boy. Your letting your imagine get ahead of you. It's not like what _(thumb pointing to RUSSIA) _him and Ame/rica did.

AMERICA: _(Jumps up, screaming and talking incredibly fast) _Russia and I never had any kind of relation of the sexual variety and whoever told you that was a dirty liar trying to spread lies about me to ruin my household and ultimately take me down because I would never dream about doing that with a dirty communist expect maybe China because she's really hot and has LOTS of money right now! _(takes deep breaths. RUSSIA slow claps)_

RUSSIA: That was impressive. Did you memorize that?

AMERICA: Yes, I've been practicing it. _(RUSSIA and AMERICA laugh. CANADA bolts up from his seat)_

CANADA: YOU…YOU TRAITOR!

AMERICA: Wait…oh, wait no CANADA! I didn't mean it like that! I-

CANADA: I always KNEW the cold war was sexual tension I KNEW IT! YOU TRAITOR! WE WE'RE BOTH AGAINST THE REDS AND THEN YOU- I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU ANYMORE! _(runs off, crying) _

AMERICA: (_Like the song)_ BABY COME BACK! _(Chases after CANADA. RUSSIA and BRITAIN watch as the two run off stage) _

BRITAIN: _(Waits until their out of ear shot) _You are a messed up person my friend.

RUSSIA: I feel kind of bad for Canada though…I don't think he wanted those mental pictures-

BRITAIN: Ugh, I don't either! I don't mean to offend but _(takes a long look at RUSSIA) _no.

RUSSIA: _(Laughs) _Same to you my friend. I'm glad we both agree not to be in 'that' kind of special relationship.

BRITAIN: What, like America and Japan?

RUSSIA: Exactly. _(The clink their glasses together and drink. Offstage, humming to 'baby come back' is heard as TURKEY walks on stage. He is dressed in rather stylish, exotic clothes. Off stage, a wolf whistle is heard.)_

TURKEY: _(Motions to off stage) _Oh please, you flatter me, really.

BRITAIN: Turkey? What the hell are you doing here?

TURKEY: Oh, was in the neighborhood, saw America chasing Canada out of this bar screaming for his baby to come back. Though, I find that rather ridiculous. _(He leans on the table) _Everyone knows babies cannot flee from you. It's rather silly.

BRITAIN: No, I mean, what the hell are you doing in a BAR?

TURKEY: _(Looks at the multiple beer bottles on the table) _Well certainly not to do 'that' _(He motions to the alcohol) _I could ask you two the same question. Challenging Russia to a drinking contest Britain? I have to say that that is the dumbest thing I have ever-

BRITIAN: No no, America wanted Russia to spill his life story and I just sort of showed /up.

RUSSIA: I've been meaning to ask…how did you know we were here?

BRITAIN: James Bond.

RUSSIA: /What?

TURKEY: Oh? Reminiscing on the old fallen empires eh? _(He sits beside RUSSIA, in CANADA'S seat) _I can remember those times too. Have you mentioned me yet?

RUSSIA: _(Looking away) _Not…really-

TURKEY: What? Still in the 1400's?

RUSSIA: No…I just…well….I-

BRITAIN: He forgot about you.

TURKEY: _(Giving an exaggerated sigh) _REALLY? Really? I was the freakin Ottoman EMPIRE Russia. THE OTTOMAN EMPIRE. That is, as they say, kind of a big deal.

RUSSIA: I know, and I-

TURKEY: Um, I wasn't done talking.

RUSSIA: oh…oh ok, go ahead.

TURKEY: I was the longest lasting empire in the world. I took in countless countries into my home, I speak so many different languages and know just what there is to know about religion. Do you know how they defined Europe Russia?

RUSSIA: uh-

TURKEY: Everyone that DIDN'T live with me. THAT is Europe. And you haven't even mentioned me yet? What about Istanbul, Constantinople? That just isn't GOOD enough for you? What? You mention this pasty little pirate and not me?

BRITAIN: _(He toasts) _Yar!

TURKEY: My point proven.

RUSSIA: Please comrade don't be/ like that-

TURKEY: Don't use your 'comrade' bull on me Russia. I am offended, deeply. I expect you to make it up to me.

RUSSIA: Fine. What do you want me to do?

TURKEY: You could start off by mentioning me, eve a li/ttle.

_(AMERICA and CANADA walk back on stage. CANADA is looking rather hostile as AMERICA takes his seat. CANADA looks at TURKEY in surprise.)_

CANADA:…you're in my seat.

TURKEY: _(Slowly turning to CANADA) _Listen snow white, I'm in a bad mood, so take your coffee breath out of my face, Kapeesh?

AMERICA: _(Turning to BRITIAN. Rather loudly, though using his hand to hide his voice) _Who's the skank?

BRITAN: He's Turkey you fool.

AMERICA:….He doesn't look anything like a Turkey-

TURKEY: I HEARD THAT!

AMERICA: Dude, whatever fine. Yo, Russ, get on with our history lesson.

RUSSIA: I would be happy to, so, after France invaded-

TUREKY: No, we're not done here. _(To AMERICA) _You should learn some respect Wonderbread, unless you want me to call China over here-

AMERICA: Dude, do you even TALK to China?

TURKEY: Maybe I do, maybe I don't. You wouldn't know, would you?

AMERICA: Dude, WHATEV/ER!

TURKEY: I can see why you are so intimidated. Don't want me to call your slave driver over-

AMERICA: W-What are you-

TURKEY: You are, after all, China's bitch.

_(A sudden silence before CANADA breaks into hysterical laughter. TURKEY also begins to laugh and they high five. CANADA then leaves stage to get a chair)_

AMERICA: D..DUDE! BRITIAN! Help me out here!

BRITIAN:…no, he's right. You are. Though I don't know why she would want you. You're reckless and insane. One of these days you're going to bite the hand that feeds you- oh WAIT! You already DID THAT to a certain SOMEONE-

RUSSIA: Ugh, this is why I don't go drinking with Westerns.

TURKEY: _(To RUSSIA) _Have you learned your lesson?

RUSSIA: Yes, yes. Can I please get on with this?

_(CANADA returns onstage with a chair, and sets it beside AMERICA. He sits down)_

CANADA: Dude, China does totally own you.

AMERICA: Just because I owe her like, my savings account DOESN'T MEAN I'm her b-

BRITAIN: How far she's come. I'm rather proud, though rather jealous.

_(RUSSIA and TURKEY nod and give sounds of agreement)_

TURKEY: She has escaped me a few times. You can never really take the whole soul of China-

RUSSIA: Yes…and even when you do, she just changes again. I had her for a short time but…ah, she just changed on me again.

TURKEY: What happened?

RUSSIA: _(About to take a drink, but pauses. He smiles) _She tried to cut out my tongue when I kissed her.

_(BRITIAN and TURKEY laugh, rather inappropriately)_

CANADA: So…this is what you guys bond over? Attempting to conquer China?

AMERICA: Sounds ho- _(CANADA hits him)_

BRITAN: Of course! Don't you know? The woman in our world? Everyone has been in love with France-

RUSSIA: _(With a sexual undertone)_ Pretty much everyone has had France-

TURKEY/RUSSIA/BRITAIN: But everyone wants to own China!

_(The three laugh again. RUSSIA and BRITAIN toast and drink while TURKEY throws his arm into the air, still laughing)_

AMERICA: Chya, totally. Except for the fact that we've _(Points thumb towards CANADA) _Have never even-

TURKEY: _(Pointing at CANADA) _Oh really? You're one to talk! Look at how many of her children you take in everyday? You eat her food all the time.

CANADA: _(Blushing) _THAT'S-

RUSSIA: Don't deny it. You're always calling her over little things. And you've learned her language fluently, yes?

_(They all stare at CANADA, who looks concerned, then grabs a beer bottle and chugs it)_

TURKEY: Yes, drink your problems away. It's done wonders for your other family members…

AMERICA: That was mean-

RUSSIA: And you! YOU'RE the worst!

AMERICA: How am I the worst you crazy commie? She's COMMUNIST Russia. COMMUNIST. I don't DO communists-literally.

TURKEY: You buy from her all the time-

AMERICA: That /doesn't mean I like her!

BRITIAN: And you're always referring to /her.

AMERICA: That has nothing to do with /it!

RUSSIA: No no! America is right! _(pause) _He would never have eyes for his boyfriend's older sister.

_(TURKEY and BRITAIN laugh along with RUSSIA as AMERICA throws his hands into the air and grabs a beer)_

AMERICA: This is pointless!

BRITAIN: Oh? Being mature now?

AMERICA: You ALL suck. Oh, and I hate you. _(takes a sip)_

RUSSIA: Yes, that's it. Just ignore all your problems little one.

BRITAIN: China really has come far-

TURKEY: Truly.

BRITAIN: I remember when she was under my thumb. Those were the days. _(He chuckles) _She was so fiery though. Never would give me the time of day. Always saw me as 'unworthy' _(RUSSIA and TURKEY nod) _Yes…I think I remember the opium wars the most.

AMERICA: Whow, what? Drug wars?

RUSSIA: Yes, China… she was out of her mind…Britain kept selling her opium, even when the emperor told him to stop.

BRITAIN: Details details. You have to admit, it was bloody brilliant. Getting your customer addicted to what you're selling? Then they'll always come back for more, no matter the price! Plus it allowed me to trade with her more, something I needed since I really did start fancying her spices and whatnot…

**Scene 13**

_(The EMPEROR drags CHINA on stage, muttering angrily to himself)_

EMPEROR: Just wait until I get my hands on him. That little ghost thinks he can- YOU! _(He points at BRITAIN. BRITAIN stands, and walks over to the EMPEROR)_

BRITAIN: What? I was in the middle of s/omething.

EMEROR: What did you do to her! _(He throws CHINA to BRITAIN'S feet. He stars at her as she looks up at him and begins to giggle)_

BRITAIN: Well, she seems a lot HAPPIER now at least _(He smiles) _That's a start! Soon she'll be nothing but sunshine!

EMPEROR: Don't you joke about this! You're still smuggling in those horrible little plants of yours aren't you?

BRITAIN: _(He shrugs and bends down, playing with CHINA'S hair. She reaches out and plays with a button on his shirt, amazed with it) _And what would give you that idea? She looks perfectly fine to me-

EMPEROR: I said stop joking! If you don't stop bringing that horrible drug into my house, I'll…I won't stand for it!

BRITAIN: _(Stands, CHINA is confused as if she doesn't know where he went) _Oh? Really? And what are you going to do? I'm Britain! Which actually means quite a lot. Have you talked to Spain lately? Ask him about it.

EMPEROR: I'll…I'll declare war on you! For this! For what you have done to my daughter!

BRITAIN: _(Laughs) _She doesn't want to fight me, do you lovely? _(He grabs her hand and lifts her up. She leans against him, looking sleepy) _Awww…that's adorable-

EMPEROR: Stop it! Stop mocking us!

BRITIAN: Hey, China, can you put your two elbows together? _(She motions to do it, but is interrupted when the Emperor shoves BRITIAN. BRITAIN laughs) _So touchy! Fine, if you want a war I'll fight her. But are you SURE that's what you want to do sir? After all _(He puts his hands on his hips, triumphantly) _The sun never sets on the British Empire!

EMPEROR: You ignorant child! You know nothing of the world and how it works. China! _(He grabs her, she stumbles) _Show him what our country can do! He has dishonored us! He has made you to be a fool!

_(CHINA lazily pulls out her sword, while BRITAIN pulls it out quickly.)_

BRITAIN: Since I am a gentleman, I'll allow you to have the first shot. _(He opens himself up, holding his sword to his side loosely) _Come on then.

_(CHINA struggles to lift her sword, and she slowly tries to bring it down on BRITAIN, who steps away with ease. He laughs then elbows her harshly in the back. He then kicks her over and straddles her, grabbing her one arm. She cuts his cheek with her free hand, causing him to cry out for a second before chuckling again. He grabs the other hand and pins her down)_

EMPEROR: FIGHT BACK!

CHINA: Go…away….you…

BRITAIN: You really are in no state to fight…I feel bad really. It's rather pathetic . _(He laughs again) _And really, calling me names wont' do anything. The only woman good at that is France, you should know that by now silly. _(He playfully pats her cheek. CHINA motions to lazily hit him, but her arm falls down, exhausted.) _Alright then, guess that means I win!

EMPEROR: but…impossible!

BRITAIN: Nothings impossible if you put your mind to it! And since her mind wasn't all there, well, now you see what happens when you send stoned men to fight wars sir. So, _(He looks to CHINA) _I'll be taking this-

EMPEROR: You can't have ALL of CHINA!

BRITIAN: Oh, no of course not, guess that would be rather silly. _(He looks at her for a moment, then goes to look away, but then continues to look at her again. The silence becomes awkward as a blush comes over his face. He reaches down and strokes her neck gently) _I'll just take Hong Kong then…and I want to be her equal.

EMPEROR: F-fine..but remember that there were TWO opium wars! CHINA! ATTACK!

_(CHINA, overcome by sudden energy punches BRITAIN in the gut. He grunts before backhanding her harshly. She doesn't move for a moment) _

BRITAIN: There's your second opium war. _(He straightens his shirt) _Now then, open up some ports for trade and we'll call it even…unless you want me to beat your child senseless _(He chuckles) _I wouldn't mind really.

_(The EMPEROR sighs, nods, and leaves the stage, rubbing his temples. BRITAIN looks down at China, who is breathing heavily. He clears his throat and loosens his tie, still staring at her. He smiles a little) _

Well then…I guess it's just you and I n/ow.

_(FRANCE runs on stage, accompanied by GERMANY)_

FRANCE: Britain! Oh Britain!

_(BRITAIN stands suddenly, a scowl on his face)_

BRITAIN: I should have known YOU would be here, you bloody harlet-

FRANCE: ohhhh…don't be like that….don't you love me-

BRITAIN: The last time I saw you you STABBED me!

FRANCE: oh details, details…so…I…see you have China there-

BRITAIN: Yes, I do! _(FRANCE motions to touch her hair, but BRITAIN swats her hand away) _Don't touch her! You'll dirty her!

GERMANY: She's already dirty.

BRITAIN: _(He coughs) _Hello Germany. A pleasure to see you.

GERMANY: We're here about China.

FRANCE: She is rather pretty…

BRITAIN: No way! She's mine you frog! Back off! _(He turns to GERMANY) _Well..if you're polite about it Germany, you can have an arm…or something…

FRANCE: And what about ME! You weren't the only one who fought in the war Britain! I deserve a fair share as much as Germany-

BRITAIN: But you're bloody French!

FRANCE: Oh please, mon cheir! She's like a little porcelain doll….just a leg, that's all I want-

BRITIAN: _(He glares at her) _And if I say no?

FRANCE: _(cooing) _We both know I would cream your brat face into the dust.

BRITIAN: Ugh, fine. Take a leg…_(He looks at CHINA again and blushes) _But I get first dibs!

GERMANY: Fine. Agreed.

_(BRITAIN grabs CHINA by the arm and begins to drag her offstage. She screams)_

BRITAIN: Oh, calm down now. There's nothing you can do. It's all- oh! That reminds me! _(He turns to the drinking table, a light shines on RUSSIA)_Russia? Do you want a piece? Get it while it's fresh and all that?

_(AMERICA and CANADA gawk at him as he coughs into his hand embarrassed) _

RUSSIA: P..perhaps later on, my friend.

BRITAIN: Are you sure? I didn't think you were into leftovers… _(RUSSIA nods) _alright then. Come on lads. _(BRITAIN, GERMANY, CHINA, and FRANCE leave stage. CHINA is screaming and kicking as FRANCE skips beside them.)_

AMERICA: Dude…you didn't actually DO anything to her after, right?

RUSSIA: _(There is a long silence as he takes a drink, looks at CANADA, then to the audience, then back at AMERICA) _…well-

AMERICA: UNCOOL DUDE!

RUSSIA: Don't judge me. You would have done the/ same-

AMEICA: Nu-uh! I'm the good guy! Which means I don't go around raping and ripping people apart like some crazy-

RUSSIA: South America.

AMERICA: W…what?

RUSSIA: South America…um…Vietnam, Iraq, Cambodia, can I also count the times you went with Britain and invaded various households of those living in the Africa's?

AMERICA: _(Looks at him with his mouth wide, in shock. He goes to say something, but stops. Instead, he takes a drink and looks away)_

RUSSIA: That's what I thought.

_(CHINA stumbles on stage. Her dress is hanging loosely off of her, as if it was put on with haste. She takes a few steps before falling to her knees, gathering the top of her dress in her one hand. RUSSIA walks towards his desk, grabs a hair brush, then walks over to CHINA. He gently kneels beside her and takes a bit of her hair, slowly combing it.)_

RUSSIA: I've always liked your hair. It's very smooth…and soft. It's like the night. I wonder if I could see stars in it? _(He continues to brush, but then turns her face towards his) _And your face…you try to hide it with makeup, but I can tell that you work all day. I can see the dirt on you. And your eyes-

CHINA: If you're going to do it then DO it already! _(She shrugs him off of her and stands) _I know why you are here! You're here for the same reason every other foreigner ever comes to me! So if you're going to do it then do it! DO IT!

RUSSIA: Oh? I get permission?

CHINA: Britain has already carved out my heart, Hong Kong, I doubt you can do worst.

RUSSIA: Hmmm…_(He also stands) _Then, I want your eyes.

CHINA: Go ahead…as long as I have my hands…_(She looks at her hands)_ Go ahead, take my eyes and my body. As long as I have my hands. I built my house with these hands…I built my empire on these hands. With these hands…I defended my children. With these hands…I raised Korea and Japan. With these hands I have cooked and fought and cared. With my hands…_(She clenches them into fists) _I can fight. I…I can rebuild. As long as I have my hands I can make myself better. Learn from this. _(She turns to RUSSIA) _Watch me Russia! Watch as I rebuild into something better than this place! I will be the oldest, wisest, richest place in the world. I will bring MYSLEF out of hunger, I don't need others. With my hands, a new age will dawn in China! You watch me little one! Watch me as I grow and conquer…I don't know when, and I don't know how, but I swear I will never be in this position again! No one will EVER humiliate China EVER AGAIN! With my hands I will WIPE YOU ALL OFF THE MAP! _(She goes to leave the stage, but RUSSIA, grabs her arm and pulls her close to him)_

RUSSIA: It would be easier if you let me have you da? All of/ you.

CHINA: _(She shoves him away)_ Get away from me! _(She goes to leave again)_

RUSSIA: _(He laughs) _I own your eyes now, so don't go looking at other men! _(She storms offstage)_

_(end scene)_

If you can, I would appreciate some feedback. Just to know what I am doing right, and what I should change. please? Hope this chapter was good. Kinda long...sorry


	8. Act 1: Scene 14, 15

**I've decided to totally scrap this idea and start over. I'm really not getting what I want from the characters...I wanted it to be more...I don't know, informative without doing it...the way I am. I wrote this chapter so I thought, what the hell. I might write a bit more in the future, but for now it'll be on the backburner. I'll delete the story all together if it doesn't start falling into place like I want it too -_-**

**Scene 14**

_(A spotlight appears on TURKEY who is standing proudly, hands on his hips)_

TURKEY: And then, the Crimean war!

BRITIAN: _(Suddenly a spot light) _You mean the Russian war?

RUSSIA: _(Yet another spot light) _I'm pretty sure you all mean 'The Eastern War'.

FRANCE: _(spot light) _who cares what we call it! You _(pointing to RUSSIA) _Were being a total 'dick' as they say-

RUSSIA: I wasn't the one bribing Turkey into giving me the holy lands! Besides, they were mine! You had no right-

FRANCE: Yes, you just implied you would beat the hell out of him if he gave them up, that's all-

TURKEY: Yes yes, bicker over the holy land. It's solved all other problems thus far-

BRITAIN: I'm only here to pick up your broken pieces my friend _(He places his hand on TURKEY'S shoulder) _

TURKEY: With friends like you, who needs enemies?

BRITAIN: Quite! I get to kill two birds with one stone! Break apart some of the Russian Empire, and get some of the Ottoman!

TURKEY: I'm not dead yet.

BRITAIN: Well…hmm, I guess you're right. Either way, your falling apart.

TURKEY: Point taken.

RUSSIA: _(to FRANCE) _Oh you are such a- I can't believe how difficult you're being!

FRANCE: I'm not being difficult! Just let me have the holy land, that's all I want-

RUSSIA: No way! The holy land belongs to the Orthodox church and that is FINAL! Right Turkey?

TURKEY: um- _(Russia suddenly punches into his own hand) _Well…of course. Why not…I mean, it's not like I'm just intimidated since Catharine made you take over half of my land or anything…

FRANCE: But, mon amie! I was planning on giving you all sorts of fabulous things if you let me rule over the holy land!

TURKEY:…um-

FRANCE: You could have money and so much more… _(She seductively begins to draw up the side to her skirt, revealing her bare leg. RUSSIA slaps the back of her head)_

RUSSIA: We're arguing over the holiest of holies! Have you no SHAME?

FRANCE: You're no fun Russia. Why do you hate me/ so much-

RUSSIA: I don't hate you, I just think you need to stop being such a whore-

FRANCE: _(She gasps over dramatically) _How dare you! I am slain by your words!

TURKEY: Ugh…

BRITIAN: Now now, let's be reasonable here. We can work things out peacefully. With the help of Prussia we can- wait, where's Prussia?

RUSSIA: He's dead, remember?

BRITAIN: oh/yah

AMERICA: WAIT WHAT? _(the lights appear on the drinking table) _WE CAN DIE?

TURKEY: Seeing as you've barley fought any wars on your soil, I'm surprised you know what death is-

FRANCE: But Prussia was alive around this time.

RUSSIA: Yes, but he's dead now. We can't just bring a dead man back to life in order for him to act in a play now can we?

BRITAIN: Can't we just get Germany to do it? He absorbed him after all-

RUSSIA: I suppose-

AMERICA: None of you answered my question!

CANADA: I am also confused and slightly concerned.

BRITAIN: Of course our kind can die you git. _(He chuckles) _Don't you remember what happened to your mother?

_(AMERICA smiles and looks as if he is about to talk back, but slowly his smile falters. A look of shock appears on his face)_

CANADA: He repressed those memories. But yes Britain, I remember what both you and France did to our mother-

BRITAIN: Those were the days. I miss trading with people who didn't know what you were doing. Land grabbing was so easy back then.

CANADA: Yah, can we not talk about this-

AMERICA: _(Slowly) _What?

CANADA: Never mind, just repress it. It's all you 're good for-

AMERICA: _(Head jerks, as if a computer is rebooted) _Whow! Hey! That was WEIRD! Anyway- yah! Holy lands! Fighting! France being a whore-

FRANCE: Hey!

AMERICA: So nothing NEW really! _(kicks legs up on the table) _

RUSSIA: Where were we?

TURKEY: You were both threatening me and bribing me for your holy land but…you know…I just want what's best for the people. What THEY want. Can we not do this right now? I haven't been feeling too well lately…

RUSSIA: And that's what I want too! And besides Britain you really don't need to be here-

BRITAIN: Intimidated are we?

TURKEY: Listen, both of you have been rather rude to me. Especially you Russia. Your leader came into my home just the other day demanding I replace my delicates! Why? I don't even KNOW!

BRITAIN: Listen listen, it's all fine everyone calm down. Here, we'll just make up a document that-

TURKEY: No, I don't like the way you write those things. They're too vague. I know how you Westerner's work, always finding loopholes in the treaties and documents-

RUSSIA: _(Walking up to TURKEY) _Just get ON with it-

TURKEY: Don't get all up in my face snowflake-

RUSSIA: Oh that is IT!

TURKEY: _(He shoves RUSSIA) _I told you to get out of my face!

FRANCE: I declare war too! _(She runs up to TURKEY'S side) _I'm here for you love!

TURKEY: _(Sarcastically) _Oh good.

BRITAIN: Yes, suppose I'll help too-

RUSSIA: Are you SERIOUS? This isn't FAIR! I was in charge of the holy land in the first place! And now just because she feels like having it- _(TURKEY shoves him)_

RUSSIA: Would you STOP THAT!

TURKEY: I'm not going down without a fight. _(Pushes him back once more)_

RUSSIA: Fine! Austria! Get out here!

AUSTRIA: _(Offstage, after a pause) _Ummm…

RUSSIA: You OWE me! I helped you with your revolution!

AUSTRIA: yah…about that…um…I would really love to help but you see, I um, oh! Left the kettle on! Don't want to burn the whole damn place down-

RUSSIA: YOU LITTLE PRICK!

AUSTIRA: Sorry! Not home! Try again later ok? Leave a message after the to-

RUSSIA: Phones haven't been INVENTED YET! _(Is shoved again by TURKEY. RUSSIA pulls out his sword) _I will stab the ever loving GOD out of you!

_(BRITAIN and FRANCE draw their swords)_

FRANCE: Let's see how you do.

RUSSIA: This is hardly fair!

_(TURKEY lunges at RUSSIA and they begin to sword play. RUSSIA is able to push TURKEY back in order to kick off FRANCE. However, he is left open for BRITAIN, who cuts him shallowly across the chest. RUSSIA stabs towards BRITAIN and is cut by FRANCE, who he back hands away. TURKEY comes up behind him and kicks him in the back of the knee, causing him to fall. TURKEY is about to stab down on RUSSIA when GREECE suddenly enters stage. They all stop and watch as GREECE slowly makes his way to TURKEY, and then grabs his sleeve)_

GREECE: Stop it.

FRANCE: Greece? What are you doing here?

GREECE: Don't hurt Russia. He's my friend-

TURKEY: _(Trying to shake him off) _Get off! This doesn't concern you!

RUSSIA: Thank you Greece.

GREECE: He helped me during my rebellion against you…and frankly I hate you…so any side against you is good in my books.

TURKEY: I said get off! GET OFF!

_(GREECE is not aggressive, but instead holds onto TURKEY'S arm, staring down at RUSSIA)_

GREECE: I can't do much…I don't have an army to give you, but a few of my children can help out, if that is fine by you.

RUSSIA: That sounds rather- _(BRITAIN suddenly stabs him in the shoulder. RUSSIA screams) _WHAT THE HELL!

FRANCE: They were having a moment Britain. It is rather rude to interrupt a moment like that-

BRITAIN: This isn't some movie woman. I'm not going to stop a battle because some scrawny teenager thinks a few volunteers will make a difference in /a war.

TURKEY: I said GET THE HELL OFF!

GREECE: Make me.

_(TURKEY begins to flail about, attempting to get GREECE off of him. GREECE appears bored as he is thrown about, but he never lets go)_

BRITAIN: Ready to give up?

RUSSIA: _(Heroically) _NEVE- _(FRANCE stabs his other shoulder. He screams again) _WHY do you keep DOING THAT?

FRANCE: I think you should give up.

RUSSIA: I…I will fight for the orthodox chu-_(TURKEY then stabs into his chest. RUSSIA lets out a strangled moan) _S-Son of a /bitch.

ALEXANDER II: _(While walking above stage) _Alright! Hold everything! There's no need for this violence anymore!

RUSSIA: Oh, NOW YOU COME! T-thanks a LOT!

GREECE: Don't give up Russia. You have to fight for you rights.

RUSSIA: I'm literally impaled to the stage right now Greece, I don't think there's much I can-

GREECE: You've gotta fight-

RUSSIA: I can't..what are you going on about?

GREECE: For your right-

RUSSIA: Seriously, I'm bleeding here-

AMERICA: TO PA/RTY!

ALAXANDER II: Right so, this really isn't necessary anymore. We give in. Let's just call it even then, alright? _(He walks up to TURKEY. TURKEY glares at him) _

TURKEY: Get this thing off of me and maybe I'll consider it. _(ALAXANDER II slowly peels GREECE off of TURKEY, GREECE then hissing at him as he is then placed on the floor like a small animal. In time, GREECE falls asleep there, curled up like a kitten)_ Alright, you've got yourself a deal.

ALAXANDER II: Splendid-

TURKEY: But you give up the Balkans, and agree to respect me.

RUSSIA: Fine- yes fine just please, for the love of whatever you believe in…please take these things out of me.

FRANCE: I believe in this situation, you must be careful when removing the blade, since it will cause more ble-_(BRITAIN rips his sword out of RUSSIA. RUSSIA screams violently) _Um…so, not like that.

BRITIAN: What? _(Wiping the blade on his pants) _Oh, he's a man, he can handle it. _(RUSSIA gives small whimper) _Besides, guess what Russia?

RUSSIA: What? _(BRITAIN rips FRANCE'S sword out of him, RUSSIA screams again) _

BRITAIN: The new Tsar will abolish serfdom for you! Isn't that just splendid?

RUSSIA: Quite. _(BRITAIN rips the third sword out and hands it to TURKEY. RUSSIA grits his teeth this time._)

AMERICA: Yah! Go dad!

RUSSIA: _(Slowly stands up) _I'm…going to go die somewhere now.

ALAXANDER II: Oh, you'll be fine, don't worry!

BRITAIN: Good work everyone. _(RUSSIA moans in pain) _Oh, don't be such a downer dally! If anyone REALLY lost this war, it was Austria for ditching you as an ally. Boy, will he regret that later on eh? _(FRANCE and him laugh as they exit stage) _

TURKEY: _(Sighs) _Get well soon Russ. Try to heal up your wounds.

RUSSIA: Thank you, the same too you. _(TURKEY goes to leave, but RUSSIA clears his throat) _Um, shouldn't you take Greece with you?

TURKEY: _(They both look down at the sleeping man) _No way! I'm not carrying him home! After what he did, he can walk!

RUSSIA: But the scene's over, he has to get off stage-

TURKEY: Boy, listen to me. Greece has lived under my roof for quite some time, and if there's one thing I've learned, it's to never wake that man up.

RUSSIA: But I-

TURKEY: Ever.

RUSSIA: Oh…ok then…I guess he can just…stay there? _(TURKEY walks off stage. RUSSIA looks over at GREECE. He then looks to the drinking table, which lights up) _Where should I put him?

CANADA: _(Walks over to RUSSIA) _We'll bring him over. _(He helps RUSSIA pick up GREECE and carry him over to the drinking table. AMERICA watches them lazily) _We could use a hand America!

AMERICA: yah…no. _(They drop GREECE off behind the drinking table. His feet are just visible. The actor is allowed to move at different times in the play to represent movement in sleep)_ So, you lost that war…

RUSSIA: And it wouldn't be my last.

CANADA: Oh?

RUSSIA: After that, a new threat was just over the horizon.

**Scene 15 **

_(RUSSIA shuffles over to his desk)_

AMERICA: Dude, where are you going? We were right in the middle-

RUSSIA: Please excuse me, I'm going to go cough up some blood now.

_(RUSSIA sits down at the chair behind the desk, then leans behind it, implying that he is coughing up blood. When his head comes back up, he rests it on the table. At this moment, POLAND and LITHUANIA come on stage right. LITHUANIA is carrying BELARUS over his shoulder. They walk up and LITHUANIA plops BELARUS down on the table, so he is sitting on the side. LITHUANIA and POLAND then stand there, looking at RUSSIA. POLAND crosses his arms)_

POLAND: That's adorable. _(RUSSIA raises his hand and gives POLAND the finger. LITHUANIA laughs)_

LITHUANIA: I see they haven't beaten the spirit out of you.

RUSSIA: _(Head still on the table, muffled) _What could you possibly want?

POLAND: Oh, nothing really. Just dropping off this annoying little thing-

LITHUANIA: You forgot to mention that, during Catherine the II, you fought Poland for you brother back. So we decided to drop him off before you continued on with this any further. So here he is. Say hi to big brother Russia, Belarus.

BELARUS: _(Slowly turning to RUSSIA) _Guess who came back to see his big brother?

RUSSIA: Oh GOD no-

POLAND: Adorable. I love a happy ending.

LITHANIA: Another job well done-

RUSSIA: Why did you two come here together? _(Slowly turns head so it is still on the table, but he can look at them) _I broke up your marriage YEARS ago-

LITHANIA: Yah, thanks for that _(under breath) _prick.

POLAND: Just because we're no longer married, doesn't mean we can't be the most badass non-married union EVER _(LITHANIA and POLAND brofist without looking at each other)._

RUSSIA: You know what, I kinda hate you Poland. _(Lifts up hand to indicate 'little' with his fingers) _Just a bit.

POLAND: Really? I didn't notice from the fact that you PARTITIONED ME like, 4 TIMES! ASSHO-

LITHUANIA: WHOW! Whow Poland! _(indicates to Belarus) _There are kids here.

POLAND: Right, sorry. Anyway, enjoy your little present Russia. Have fun being a total loner!

_(POLAND and LITHUANIA laugh as they join arms and skip off together comically. RUSSIA grumbles angrily as BELARUS jumps off of the table, then places his hand on RUSSIA'S shoulder) _

BELARUS: Hey…Russia are you ok? You don't look to good…

RUSSIA: It's nothing Belarus…I am happy you are here but…I'm just kind of…tired-

ALEXANDER II: RUSSIA! _(He rushes above stage) _What are you doing just laying there! You have a job to do!

RUSSIA: _(Suddenly bolting up) _SERIOUSLY? SERIOUSLY you're going to do THIS right NOW?

ALEXANDER II: Come on! Hop to it! For your home and country! We're building a railroad!

RUSSIA: What? Since when?

ALEXANDER II: You'll find a shovel in the closet, have fun! _(He gives a thumbs up and skips off stage. RUSSIA growls) _

RUSSIA: What is up with everyone and skipping today? _(He shuffles over to the closet and opens it, finding a shovel. He stares at it for a moment before grabbing it and walking to the center stage, slowly beginning to dig. BELARUS runs up behind him)_

BELARUS: Hey! Now that we're living together again I thought we could have a picnic or something! Like, just like old times! You know! It could be great! And big sister could come too! It would be the three of us again! Wouldn't that be great Russia? Wouldn't that be so nice?

RUSSIA: _(growling slightly) _Sounds splendid…

BELARUS: I could cook some stuff if you want. You know, I'm actually a pretty good cook. Like, I learned all this cool stuff while living with Poland for a while! And you know what's weird? That we're only like, mentioning how I came to live with you now when it like, happened before you know? Isn't that crazy?

RUSSIA: Insane. _(continuing to dig)_

BELARUS: You know what else is weird? How you and I are both boys when everyone refers to us as girls. Why do you think that is? _(Begins skipping circles around RUSSIA)_ I mean like, everyone calls you mother Russia right? And/ people refer to you, Ukraine and I as the three sisters, so why are we even men?

RUSSIA: Belarus…please stop talking.

BELARUS: Aren't you glad I learned Russian so we can talk to each other? Sometimes I forget to speak my old language, but then it just comes flying back to me! But it's because I want to be like you when I grow up, I want to become an empire/ because then I can grow really big and like, control people and stuff. Isn't that what being an empire is all about?

RUSSIA: BELARUS please SHUT UP….

BELARUS: Because like, when you get people under your control you tend to get all possessive over them, but I think everyone is like that because Poland was kinda like that too- and so is that really pasty guy from the place that rains a lot, that Britain guy? Like, I heard that-

_(RUSIA suddenly sticks his arm out so BELARUS runs into it and falls onto the floor. AMERICA bolts up from his seat)_

AMERICA: DUDE! You can't just clothe line your little bro'!

RUSSIA: _(Continuing to dig) _If he would shut up for five minutes I wouldn't have to.

CANADA: I have to agree, that was cold _(AMERICA laughs)_

RUSSIA: He's fine. _(BELARUS suddenly jumps up) _See?

BELARUS: So, like I was saying, you could teach me to be an empire and stuff/ and then I could like, get Poland if you want. Because I know for some reason you've always wanted Poland under your control-

AMERICA: Oh my /god

RUSSIA: Oh god…it won't stop

BELARUS: I don't know why, I mean, he's ok but maybe it's because you want to get revenge for/ when you were little and stuff? Or you like Poland, which is fine if you like men because you're my big brother and I love you.

AMERICA: oh my god

RUSSIA: UGH…BELARUS PLEASE-

BELARUS: But I always kinda thought you had a thing for China because like, you would obsess over her art and her clothes and stuff but then you would hide it in your room like nothing happened but Ukraine and I TOTALLY knew ALL ABOUT it-

RUSSIA: _(Flustered)_ BELARUS STOP/ IT!

AMERICA: OH MY GOD! _(Everyone looks at him) _He's…he's…HE'S ADORABLE! _(AMERICA rushes onto the stage and grabs BELARUS, hugging and twirling him around. BELARUS doesn't seem to notice because he keeps talking)_

BELARUS:_ (during this monologue, AMERICA and RUSSIA talk over BELARUS)_ Like, remember how you even built that town that resembled a town from her home? Ukraine and I would always joke about how you were just pretending to be mad at her all the time but secretly inside we could tell that you loved her. I don't know why you haven't really tried to take over her country already. But I guess because you were bullied so often by Lithuania and Poland, you kind of have a chip on your shoulder. Is that why you really wanted to invade Poland during World War 2? You know I wasn't really happy when you did that to Mr. Poland because he was like a dad to me for a while, and he was really cool you know. I don't know why you two are so sore around each other. I kind of wish everyone would just be friends you know? Hey, you should watch where you build that railroad because Japan is totally gonna attack you in like, the next 2 minutes. That's going to be sad, but not as sad as what happens to me during World War 1.

AMERICA: He's so cuuuttteee.

RUSSIA: Ugh, don't make me puke. What is wrong with you?

AMERICA: I ALWAYS wanted a little brother like this! Who was so cute and adorable and would look up to me like I was AWESOME because I am!

CANADA: Thanks a lot America. Thanks _(Takes a sip from his beer)_

AMERICA: You don't count Canada, we're practically twins. Besides, you don't idolize me. In fact, I'm pretty sure half of the times you compliment me you're just being sarcastic-

CANADA: Aren't you just the sharp one?

AMERICA: Just like that!

RUSSIA: You can have him if you want.

AMERICA: Seriously?

RUSSIA: _(Laughs) _No! Of course not! I would never give you someone who lived so close to me. Besides, he's my little brother. Even if he bothers me at times I still love him…and along those lines, if you don't get your filthy little paws off of him I will be forced to break your arms.

AMERICA: _(squeezes BELARUS tighter) _Make me.

_(RUSSIA laughs and then suddenly grabs AMERICA. They struggle for a moment before AMERICA lets go of BELARUS. He straightens his jacket)_

AMERICA: Fine. I can take a hint…_(mumbling) _Wish I had a cute little brother and hot sister-_(RUSSIA gives AMERICA a disgusted look) _Wait- that came out weird-

RUSSIA: Go back to your drinking table, it's all your good for.

AMERICA: aww… _(he slowly makes his way back to the table. CANADA shuffles away from AMERICA a little) _Aw come on dude…

RUSSIA: Now, Belarus, what were you saying? _(JAPAN walks on the opposite side of the stage)_

BELARUS: I was just going to mention him _(Points at JAPAN)_

RUSSIA:….what the hell-

JAPAN: Konnichiwa Russia-san…I am Japan, form where the sun rises-

RUSSIA: Who?

JAPAN: _(Silent for a moment) _Japan…the island…near yours…

RUSSIA: Uh…sorry…um, are you related to Mongolia by any change.

JAPAN: _(Face scrunches ever so slightly) _No. I was taught some skills by China though-

RUSSIA: Because…you kind of look Mongolia-

JAPAN:I can assure you that I am not Mongolian. _(A pause) _

RUSSIA: Are you sure?

JAPAN: YE- _(Calms self) _Yes, I am sure. Here _(Hands RUSSIA a letter) _It is from my father to yours. We are…concerned about the railway you are building. It is rather…close to Manchuria and Korea-

RUSSIA: You own Korea?

JAPAN:…I'm not saying that necessarily.

RUSSIA: Fine, just let me call him. ALEX-

BELARUS: It's actually Nickolas II now brother.

RUSSIA: Right, NICKOLAS! WE'VE GOT MAIL! _(There is no reply) _Just give him a minute… _(An awkward silence befalls them) _So…Japan…China tells me you totally stabbed her in the back-

JAPAN: I would ask if we could please not discuss such a topic Russia-san.

RUSSIA:..san?

JAPAN: It is a sign of respect.

RUSSIA: Oh…that's nice. _(Leans on shovel) _Aw well, I was gonna strike anyway so…

JAPAN: You strike often Russia?

RUSSIA: _(Laughs) _You haven't lived under my father's little man!

NICHOLAS II: _(walks on above stage) _Russ! This is just what we needed!

RUSSIA: _(Looks up to him) _Pardon?

NICHOLAS II: This is what you need! Fighting for your home-

RUSSIA: That's what you people said LAST time-

NICHOLAS: But this time it's full proof! When fighting for your homeland that patriotic spirit will be zapped right back into you! And then your children won't strike so much!

RUSSIA: I am really against this sir-

NICHOLAS: Japan! Tell your father there is no response! I have nothing to say to you people! _(He runs off.)_

JAPAN: _(Looks at RUSSIA, then slowly pulls out his katana) _Very well, we will fight then.

RUSSIA: _(He sighs and leans heavily on his shovel) _Do we have to? I just want a railway and a warm water port-

JAPAN: This must be done. And don't think about calling France or Germany, because Britain is now my ally…if you call your friends then I will too-

RUSSIA: I'm not worried about that! Look at you! I can't fight you! You're so…small. I don't enjoy kicking puppies you know. I- _(Japan rushes at RUSSIA, who stumbles back into BELARUS. RUSSIA turns around and shoves BELARUS out of the way) _Go hide! _(BELARUS nods and runs off stage. RUSSIA grabs his shovel and swings it to the side) _I don't really care about this though…can we do this another time? It's just that- _(JAPAN cuts at him but RUSSIA blocks the sword with his shovel. RUSSIA swings for JAPAN'S head but misses. JAPAN then stabs RUSSIA'S shoulder. RUSSIA hisses and pulls away, playing defense while JAPAN strikes at him)_

JAPAN: You're heart is not in it my friend-

RUSSIA: Of course not! I don't want to be here…besides, if I take an actually good swing at you, you'd be dead.

JAPAN: _(Holding Katana in a warriors stance) _Oh? You underestimate me.

RUSSIA: No I don't. Look at you. _(He throws down his shovel) _You can't win against me. I don't even know who you are! I've only ever heard of you from your sister-

JAPAN: She is NOT my sister!

RUSSIA: Yah, well, I guess living under her shadow like that would cause you to be so defensive-

JAPAN: You should not speak of things you know nothing/ about.

RUSSIA: Just look at you. You think you can be like Britain? Like me? Asia can't have an /empire. That's just the way it is.

JAPAN: Cease you talking!

RUSSIA: You need to accept it. It's the wa- _(JAPAN lunges at RUSSIA and stabs his blade through RUSSIA'S chest. He quickly pulls it out and then slashes RUSSIA across the chest. RUSSIA stumbles back before JAPAN grabs his scarf and pulls him closer, slashing across RUSSIA'S chest once more before RUSSIA falls with his chest to the ground. RUSSIA coughs as JAPAN raises his blade. AMERICA hollers out as he jumps over the drinking table to the two men)_

AMERICA: WHOW! Hold it!

RUSSIA: W-what just happened?

AMERICA: Alright, Japan, chill for a sec.

JAPAN: _(Still holding his sword defensively) _Who are you? One of Russia's allies-

AMERICA: Naw, I'm America! _(Silence) _You know…America…from…North America…_(Still silence) _Britain's son…_(Further silence) _Britian's son who doesn't live in Europe or Asia…

RUSSIA: ohh…that guy _(lifts himself up on his elbow) _I thought…you were a taller man-

AMERICA: That's…that's Canada…

RUSSIA: France talked a lot about him-

AMERICA: Yah- ANYWAY, I'm here to work out some peace between you guys!

JAPAN: Forgive me for not remembering you earlier my friend. _(Japan slides his sword back into its sheath) _You…encouraged me to open up to the world again-

AMERICA: Yah, that was awesome! And/ now your friends with dad!

JAPAN: Yes…I clearly remember your gun in my face.

NICHOLAS: _(Offstage) _Yes! Let's negotiate! Russia needs to come home so we can discuss the whole 'Bloody Sunday' mess-

AMERICA: huh?

RUSSIA: During this whole mess I took a day to bring a petition to my father and a peaceful protest broke out-

AMERICA: Well that's not so bad-

RUSSIA: He shot me in the face-

AMERICA: OH…_(inhales through his teeth) _Hey…ok…alright then! Um, Russia, get out of Manchuria and recognize Korea as a part of Japan's sphere or…whatever and we'll call it even.

RUSSIA: I swear, if half of my people weren't on strike-

JAPAN: _(slowly begins to draw out sword again) _oh?

RUSSIA: Fine. You win. Go for it.

AMERICA: YAY! Now you guys are friends again, right?

JAPAN: _(retracts sword)_…if you'll excuse me, I have to go recover financially from my victory-

BRITAIN: _(Runs of stage) _You did it Japan! Now Russia won't threaten the greatest fleet in the world!

JAPAN: I wasn't doing it for you my frien-

BRITAIN: Looks like you Asians ARE good for something! _(He picks up Japan and laughs, carrying him off stage)_

JAPAN: Should…I be concerned? _(Is taken off stage)_

AMERICA: _(Staring down at RUSSIA for a moment) _Hey…you ok?

RUSSIA: _(muffled sob) _Just go away!

BELARUS: Is it ok to come back on? _(RUSSIA muffle screams)_

_(End Scene)_


End file.
